Parenting and The Fault in Our Stars

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Last night, I sat in a theater with dozens of other people who, based on their gasps and sobs and squeals of anticipation at the start of key scenes in the film, had all read John Green's captivating book, The Fault in Our Stars. It was a beautiful thing to be part of a group catharsis like that - I didn't stand out as I sobbed quietly into my tissue. Everyone around me was doing the same thing.

I loved the book and I loved the movie. I've been pretty pleased with film adaptations of beloved books over the past few years. I think the fact that, so often these days, authors - like John Green - are heavily involved in the production, has a lot to do with it.

As a 40-year-old parent and reader of YA literature, what stands out to me in this story is the fact that John Green doesn't undercut, stereotype, or condescend teens. Anyone who knows me know that I love teens - I loved being one myself, I love hanging out with them, I love reading about them, I love talking with them, I love learning from them, I love parenting them, I love going to movies with them. I think teens are far smarter, kinder, and more capable than the world assumes. When it comes to how teens are viewed, I get so. damn. tired. of everyone's incessant eye rolls, sighs, and low expectations.

The media patronizes us with portrayals of shallow, aimless, angst-ridden adolescent clichés that just don't accurately reflect the reality of so many young adults who are much, much more than an oversimplified and unoriginal representation of an entire population of people who live on our planet! Frankly, it's insulting and offensive. 

So many teens are capable of more than many dare believe. So many teens have to constantly fight against the world's assumptions and low expectations of them. So many teens are impressively intelligent. So many teens are responsible, kind, wise, compassionate, deep, well-read, thoughtful, funny, smart, quick, hard-working, driven, centered. Enter John Green.*

The Fault in our Stars gives us Augustus Waters and Hazel Grace Lancaster - two impressive, smart, witty, mature, independent, and loveable teens who just happen to have cancer when they fall in love. Most of the time that you're reading the book or watching the movie, you forget that it's a story about adolescent love. You think you're watching a grown-up story, but oh oh, wait. It's not a story about grown-ups. It's a story about teens. It's just that not everyone is used to seeing teens that aren't portrayed as petty, catty, obnoxious brats dripping in saccharine ("OMG, HE'S SO CUTE!") that you see in so many boring, weak, cookie cutter films.

I loved the book and had a crush on Augustus Waters myself by chapter 3. And while I loved all the side characters in the story (heart-broken Isaac, perpetually-intoxicated Peter, ball-less Patrick) and the locations (Augustus's basement, Amsterdam, the literal heart of Jesus), my personal, more intimate connection, particularly in the film, came from the relationship between Hazel Grace and her parents.

The Lancasters loved Hazel deeply as her parents and treated her with respect and as an equal. Their aim was not to control her or ensure some kind of hierarchical position of authority over her. Their goal was to help her have a full life of purpose by allowing her to be her own person and being present with her while also being respectful of her need for space to spread her own wings.

I was watching three separate, independent characters - Hazel, her mother, her father - tied inextricably by profound love and the painful reality of their situation, but not so enmeshed as to cloud or get in the way of Hazel's personal reality and truth. They gave her guidance and gentle encouragement, but let her determine her own path. They spoke as equals. They respected her wishes. They gave her space. They gave her wings. They treated one another with respect and honesty.

And while I've always appreciated John Green's portrayal of teens as more than the trite adolescent-caricatured drivel that many books and movies slop in front of us, it was during the movie that I came to value his depiction of the relationship that parents and kids can share.

Laura Dern and Sam Trammell play Frannie and Michael Lancaster, Hazel's parents, and as I sat enjoying the movie (immensely, I might add - great indie-film vibe; no over-the-top Hollywood hoopla in this film!), it dawned on me that not only was John Green busting teenage stereotypes, he was also challenging the notion that parents of teenagers are always exasperated, aggravated, and demanding.

There are parents in this world who are not always rolling their eyes and yelling at their teens but who genuinely enjoy their kids and have healthy, mature, considerate relationships with them. Parents who enjoy their kids for who they are and who aren't perennially frustrated with their kids' burgeoning self-identity even if it differs from the often-controlling vision that the parents themselves might have for them. Parents who aren't either hovering or absent, but present and steady.

I loved the way that Hazel's parents were portrayed - not as stupid or cloying or clueless like the Disney Channel or the Cartoon Network would lead viewers to believe all parents are - but as intelligent, thoughtful, appropriately concerned, loving, respectful individuals working together as a team, as a family, and as - yes, I'm saying it - friends. And whether Hazel needed a listening ear, friendship, space, encouragement, to be called on her crap, advice, a drive alone, a sounding board, to go be with her friends, a chance to scream and vocalize her frustrations, arms around her, or a gut-wrenchingly, aching cry that will cut you to your core . . . her parents were there. No eye rolls, no put downs, no aggravation. Just a steady, sure, loving and respectful presence.

Thank you, John Green, for letting the world know how awesome teens can be and for recognizing how awesome their parents can be, too.
 


*(and Rainbow Rowell and many other YA authors today).

Side Note: Unrelated to this particular post, I just want to mention that Shailene Woodley gave an Oscar-worthy performance that utterly reduced me to a blubbering mess. Anyone who watched the movie and didn't sob is made of stone.