On Being Real

I came across a great article today called Have An Average Day. I think it's a great article.

It got me to thinking about the kinds of skills I teach my clients. I teach mindfulness. I teach affirmations. I teach people to consider and challenge their thoughts (if they're right, accept and work on it and if they're wrong, don't buy into the crap). I teach them that there is a danger in being too serious and that laughter is healthy. Basically, I teach them to be real.

I don't teach them to put a positive spin on everything. I don't teach them to only look at the bright side. I don't teach them that depression and anxiety are "bad" -- they simply are and it's all in what we do with it. It's even okay to have setbacks and not demand so much of ourselves (as that's generally what gets you into problems in the first place). I don't teach them to simply say that everything is "GREAT!" That was the pop psychology of the 80's--I'm okay, you're okay, and doggone it, people like me! That's isn't real. That's Alec Baldwin's Parker character on Friends.

I teach them to simply be real and to be okay with being real. After all, if you can't be real, then who is everyone around you hanging out with? And how can anyone have a real relationship of any depth with you?

It got me thinking about family and friends and how much I appreciate people who are real, genuine, the real deal. There's depth there. I love people in the east (no offense to those in the west--it's a Boston thing). They tell it like it is. The guy you don't even know on the street walks past you and says, "Geez, it's wicked cold! This freaking weather, eh?" Go Red Sox. They're not looking for the silver lining, but yet they're not being negative either. They're being REAL. And they're telling it like it is, usually with a warm, friendly smile on their face (or not, but the tone is friendly). I like that.

I have a great friend who has recently brought to my attention how far I've come in being real. And how much she likes that. She complimented me on my bravery in that. I used to put up a fake, cheerful front even though I was a mess inside. That sucked. And I battled that. In a very. major. way. And I *have* come a long way. I'm spotting it more easily in others--that pretense, that facade, that fraud, sometimes even to themselves. Something's brewing under that fake surface. Some of them must explode behind closed doors. Some of them haven't yet, but are going to in a major way when they finally crack.

Several of my clients have said that they feel comfortable with me because I'm "real" and down to earth and not stuffy. That is a mighty big compliment. See, I'm far from perfect, but I try my best to be real with those around me and I expect the same courtesy in return. Or at least, I connect more deeply with those who are brave enough to give the same in return. Otherwise, I am being betrayed. And so is everyone else.

I once heard a saying that went something like "People in the east will bite your head off, but watch your back with people in the west." Obviously that is a gross generalization, but you get the idea. I'd rather know where I stand. Don't clench your teeth and sweetly grin at me and try desperately to find something to compliment or something sunny to say (and then turn around and roll your eyes or think nasty thoughts), just tell me what you think! Again, I say, how_else_can_I_have_a_relationship_of_any_depth_with_you.

Anyway, I'm grateful for people who are real. I'm seeing more and more that it's a skill. It's easy to be fake. It's much harder and more truthful and more vulnerable to be real. After all, people might not like you when you're real, right? But then, who wants friends who like you only because they really don't know you? And better yet, how great are friends who like you because they know the real vulnerable you despite or maybe because of your shortcomings? Then not only are YOU real, but your friends are, too. Win-win. "Hey, look at me! I'm a headcase! You still like me? Good! Then you're my friend."

I'm very blessed to have a great REAL husband and awesome REAL kids who fully support and encourage me (they love the real me!) in all paths of life. It's mutual. I think they're pretty great, too. I'm blessed to have REAL friends (both in person and online)--the kind I can really open up to and say what I really think without judgment or fear of pretense from them. I'm feeling quite grateful for real relationships. Real people.

So, have an average day. Enjoy the ordinary. Go after what you want in life. Focus on "being" more than "doing." Be real. And revel in the common.

And don't be a Parker. It's just annoying. (Watch video from 3:12-5:26):