Year in Review - 2015

1. What did you do in 2015 that you’d never done before? Started playing D&D in a group with my family and some good friends - so geeky, so fun. Attended a Foley Family reunion in California with all of Mark's side of the family. Loved it. Paddle boarded and kayaked for the first time ever. Spent a week away from Scout while she stayed with friends during our CA trip. We were really sad and I missed her so much. And I was so ridiculously happy to get back to her (our friends are awesome with her and we're very grateful to them for their help, kindness, and love of Scout!). Visited Cape May, NJ. Hosted foreign exchange students - a girl from Paris and a boy from Spain. Saw my daughter off to a week of writer's camp in college dorms. Saw my boy take his first flight. Taught our kids the Portuguese card game sueca and played on the beach as a family. A different kind of therapy - life altering. Sobbed the hardest I have since my father's death due to extreme emotional strain. Am thankfully in a significantly better place and feel happy, content, and hopeful. Situation has improved 20-fold. Hosted Mark's brother's (Greg's) family for a lovely visit during a beautiful fall. Weekly post-therapy lunch dates with my husband. Love them and love him. Saw Benedict Cumberbatch on the London Broadway Stage via satellite. Made a game room in our home (something we've been wanting to do for a while) and we're loving it - pool, ping-pong, air hockey . . . awesome.  
 

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? For several years, I have wanted to do the same three things - write, exercise, meditate. All things I feel good doing. Like I've said before, "I have this awful habit of wanting everything to be done/caught up/perfect before allowing myself to do something I want, which generally translates into not getting to things I want to do very much. I know better. I counsel people and tell them not to do that. I also tend to run around doing for everyone but myself. This needs to change." This year has had me getting help to overcome some of these self-defeating habits and I'm making progress in my habits, though there are areas where I'm really struggling. I have a ridiculously difficult time allowing myself good things or feeling deserving of good things. It runs deep and involves guilt, shame, and raw emotions. I often feel like there's a major wall/block stopping me from allowing myself good things. I'm still working at it and hoping for progress and trying not to get discouraged. This past year, I lived by the phrase, The Year of Não ("No" in Portuguese)/Now. See, "Não" is pronounced "now." So it has two meanings - saying no more (in order to say yes to myself more - as in, don't overextend and also, make myself a priority) and also doing things NOW - not putting them off. Happy to say I've done better with both. It's been much needed. So this next year? I'm looking to do this: "Less Facebook. More blogging." Facebook sucks me in in a bad way. Truth be told, I much prefer blogging and I miss it, so I'm back (and Jimmy, thank you for the encouragement - it means a lot).   
 

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Ronald and Alena.   


4. Did anyone close to you die? No. Thankfully, no.


5. What countries did you visit? No other countries, but we did visit California and had a wonderful time doing that. We also visited Cape May, NJ and we enjoyed our annual week at the beach in Delaware. And while we didn't visit other countries ourselves, we learned more about France and Spain through our great experience with foreign exchange students!    


6. What would you like to have in 2016 that you lacked in 2015? I wouldn't say I lacked these things in 2015, but I'd like to see more healing, more insight, more motivation, more work on projects, more writing, more compassion for self, more peace, more happiness. And it might be time for a new car for Mark. We have a really hard time allowing ourselves to spend money on ourselves, especially on big-ticket items, as we carry these student loans, but when we do (reference: new house, new fridge), OMG, it's so nice and enjoyable and we find ourselves saying things like, "Why didn't we do this sooner?!?" We tend to deny ourselves in the name of "trying to be good financially." So, I think it might be time to get that good feeling with what he's primarily driving (though I loathe car shopping)! 


7. What dates from 2015 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Our trip to the family reunion in CA. It was really great. Very grateful to my in-laws for making it possible and to our friends for their help with Scout.


8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Emotional Insight and healing. Learning to respect myself and have boundaries. I have been working SO hard. It's difficult to describe, but SO hard.   


9. What was your biggest failure? Like I say every year, I don't like to think in terms of failure. It is what it is. I like the quote that says, "I never lose. I either win or learn."   


10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I just reread what I wrote a year ago on this review and it was astounding to read it and think about how much more I've learned this past year. This year has been better. Grueling and a lot of hard work, but I've made progress for sure. There's more to go, of course, but I'm grateful for the progress made. At times I feel frustrated that I'm not better in certain areas or I feel impatient that it's taking a while. I get frustrated in areas where I feel more "stuck," but I think I'm hopeful. How's that for certainty? :P No major illness or injury otherwise, thankfully.     


11. What was the best thing you bought? Really enjoying our digital frame of rotating inspirational and funny quotes. And the 3-in-1 table (ping pong, pool, air hockey) that we got the kids for Christmas has been a really big hit! 


12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Mark's. He has worked so incredibly hard to gain insights, take ownership, and get more in tune with himself and his relationships; and the kids and I, in addition to himself obviously, are the ridiculously lucky people who benefit from his unflagging efforts. I love this man more than words can say. When we're good, we're an incredible team. I don't take for granted how lucky we are. It feels like 1+1=3 when we're in sync. I think that's why it's frustrating when we've felt out of sync. We know we're better than that. We're not the most efficient people in the world (because of all the talking and analyzing), but we like the reasons why we're not (you know, the said talking and analyzing). I am truly married to my best friend. I cannot say enough how grateful I am.  


13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Several people's.(Buckle up - this is going to be long and I can't do paragraph breaks without it trying to number them, so). I usually try to be vague or sugar coat the answer to this question, but not this year. This has been a year of seeing people's true natures as I discover my own. It has alternated between disappointing and upsetting, and enlightening as well as empowering. I will start by saying that I am not a perfect person (no one is) and that I've said and done plenty of stupid things myself. I have been struggling emotionally for a couple of years now and I've shared that with people close to me, and am grateful for the understanding and support of good friends. Some of my emotional struggles, I've learned, have probably played into some of the stupid things I've said and done. Now that I have learned more and recognize it, I can take better ownership and do better. I've overextended at times. I've done things out of fear. I think I used to let myself get taken advantage of too much because I was acting in an unhealthy, codependent manner rather than one in which I respected myself. I take ownership of that. I'm learning to see the red flags and, instead of doubting them or pushing down the idea of them like I used to, notice them and be more cautious. I've discovered people lying to us, several times over (they think they got away with it, but they are sorely mistaken). I've discovered insecure people who badmouth and gossip and manipulate others in order to feel good about themselves (you know, the old put-others-down-in-order-to-elevate-oneself trick - that never truly works). I've discovered takers/people interested in relationships where the only discussions and activities are about themselves while anyone else's lives are ignored (I'm simply not interested in that kind of relationship drain). And I've discovered (and I don't know if it's this area, a matter of intellect, or what) people who will hear a rumor about a friend and immediately believe it (without ever talking to their friend in order to verify if what they heard was even true) and subsequently dismiss a years-long friendship just like that! Astounding! Between us, Mark and I have lived in 6 countries, 4 continents, 5 states (and a province), and in countless cities with countless roommates, and we've never seen this sort of prevalence before here/now, so I tend to think it's particular to both geography and culture/education level. There is one woman in particular who seems hell bent on being a gossip "in the know" spreading rumors to any who will listen. I am a big believer in this: if you have a problem with someone, go to the person and work it out. Remarkable how many don't do that. Well, I did talk to that woman and even if she backed off, damage done, right? Here's the thing, she seems to have done me a favor of sorts, because it really separated the wheat from the chaff. It's been so telling who has simply believed her and who hasn't. I've had close friends who she tried to poison, come to me and say, "Stacy, how long have I known you?" and go on to explain that there's a strong history there that some stupid rumor would never damage. Again, these are smart, well-read women I'm talking about here. So reassuring. Others, though? Easily swayed apparently. Sadly. This kind of thing used to tear me apart. Now, I'm learning to see what it means and not sweat it like I used to. Anyway, I'm just done with all of that. I'm beyond tired of being a doormat. I'm done. I'm done chasing down someone's affection or even their thoughts on things. I'm not a mind reader. If someone's mad, they're going to have to put on their big girl panties and say something or, as far as I'm concerned, I'll assume everything's fine. I started to ask at one point - even wrote an email to a friend and then decided not to send it. Not chasing that down. They're not chasing me down? I'm not chasing them down. This isn't junior high. I'm not going to be the girl who goes around constantly asking, "Are you mad at me?" If you are, come to me. I might ask once, but if it's not a situation where we're both working together, count me out. (Not to mention, if someone is so freaking moody and irritated all the time that I spend that much time wondering if they're mad, I'm likely not interested in the first place!) Those people. The ones where you find yourself asking, "Who are you mad at now?" Or "You're mad AGAIN?!?" They're such a DRAIN. If they're mad at someone all the time, you can be pretty sure they'll be mad at you eventually. Why it's taken me this long to figure out, I do not know. My good friend Laura shared with me a really good approach - she just figures that if someone is badmouthing her, she doesn't want to know about it because that's their business, not hers. And she's absolutely right! I've no interest in being in a 1-way relationship with people. People are thrilled to have you around when they need you, but the second you have a hard time and aren't there for them because you're suffering? Some are no longer interested. Well, what do you know! I'm a ridiculously forgiving person who overlooks all kinds of things in the name of friendship - I've looked past things with others but sometimes feel like I'm given no wiggle room for screw ups (or even perceived ones) myself. I'm tired. But I refuse to allow myself to be taken advantage of, because I won't devalue myself like that. More and more, I find myself stopping and really asking myself, "Do I even like these people or enjoy this?!?" and going from there (it's remarkable how often in the past I've not asked myself that question - like I was on freaking auto-pilot!). I'm being careful and not allowing myself to get immersed in others like I used to, not spend so much time on people. I'd give my ALL to help people, which sounds noble, but was also unhealthy and self-defeating. Just over a year ago, when I was depressed in bed, a friend I've had for over a decade said to me, "I'd like to see you not get so involved in helping people." It was not the kind of statement I was used to hearing, but it really affected me. It was honest. I saw that my inclination to help SO much was a coping mechanism that seemed like a good thing, but it can be too much. I lost myself in the process. Helping others is fine, but it needs to be balanced and, quite frankly, I appreciate being looked out for, too. I'm also not interested in relationships of convenience. I've allowed myself to have relationships of circumstance for years (you know, you're friends because you work together or you belong to the same group or whatever), but I've been making a conscious effort to both turn inward and branch out. Less is more. I'm enjoying simple pleasures and time at home with family and less commitments while also getting out to some new groups and places, and meeting interesting people and surrounding myself with strong, positive women and men. I've been reading a lot of feminist articles and they are so empowering. I refuse to buy that women are all jealous and catty as a gender group. Some are. Some aren't. I am choosing to be with those who aren't. These are the friendships I value - people who make me think, expand my mind, focus on things that matter, make me want to be a better person, call me on my crap (I especially appreciate a friend of mine who is able to straightforwardly point things out to me without ever using lack-of-understanding phrases like "let it go" or "get over it"), have fun, laugh, love me, gently push me, respect me, are open, are honest, and where we both look out for each other and build each other up. Since this question is more on the negative side, it lends itself to a kind of negative answer, but the truth is that so much good has come from what I've learned, not only in terms of insight, but also in terms of how I spend my time and with whom! My radar has sharpened and I feel better tuned in with more awareness and less fear. Hopefully I'm more empowered and less jaded. I think I used to just take whatever came my way, perhaps feeling that that's all I deserved or that I wasn't worth more. No more. I have value and won't devalue myself by putting up with mistreatment. I want to model these things for my children - good, empowering relationships. Strong women. Strong men. Diversity. I'm just plain old tired of cattiness and pettiness and really want no part of it. Intentional reciprocity? Sign me up. Anything less? Nope. (And bonus! I'm seeing how, by extension, my kids are enjoying great relationships with great kids due to this restructuring/refined approach.) The following are some quotes that have been inspiring me these past several months (I think you'll sense a theme - and though it may seem like I'm pissed at people, I'm really not! I'm simply more self-aware, informed, empowered, clearer, and wiser.):
    
                                  
    
    
    
    
                                         
    
    
    
    
    
                                     
    
    
    
    
    
         
    
    
    
    
    
    
     
    
    
     
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
     
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
14. Where did most of your money go? Two mortgages until September. Fun! After mortgages, it would be probably be student loans. Then maybe food. That's probably followed by homeschooling/enrichment expenses (curricula, monthly fees, apps, books, tickets, lessons, field trips, events, contest fees, etc.). Property taxes is in there somewhere, too. 


15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Our first trip to CA in 13 years. We hadn't been there since 2002! There were so many years of simply not being able to afford it. We're very grateful to Gary and Vivian for putting on such a great event and helping us all be there together. Our weekend in Cape May, NJ. Our digital frame of rotating quotes. Seeing "Love and Mercy" in the theaters. John Cusack retweeting my picture with a message to me! Podcasts. Lots of dinners and game playing with friends. Our annual off-season trip to the beach. A wonderful, supportive surprise in the mail from Jim. Salsa's Mexican Grill opening right down the street (OMG, so excited)! 


16. What song will always remind you of 2015? Rachel Platten's "Fight Song" - it really resonates with me and what I've been working on this year. Also, Latin music, thanks to "Jane the Virgin" - such a fun, new TV discovery for us. Thank you, Netflix!   


17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
    a) happier or sadder? Happier and more empowered. Making progress.
    b) thinner or fatter? About the same, I think. Maybe thinner. 
    c) richer or poorer? Richer, I suppose, now that we aren't carrying two mortgages, but we lost quite a bit on the sale of the farmhouse, so I'm not sure. Finances are so confusing. Also, costs of all kinds of things have gone up (health insurance, etc.) regardless of the fact that our income has not. Oh, gas prices are cheaper (but we don't really drive that far/that much, thankfully)! Then there's stuff like retirement, college savings, etc. - we've had years where we've been able to save and years where we haven't. I don't know. Like I said, finances are confusing. 


18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Mmmmm, probably blogging? Mostly, I feel pretty good about how I've spent my time this past year. I know I've been doing the best I can and that I'm healing and making progress. Sometimes I'm frustrated at how long things can take and I'm not always patient about it, but when I step back and look at the big picture, I know I'm doing so much better.  


19. What do you wish you’d done less of? I'm pretty pleased with how I've spent my time overall, as I've been learning to be gentle with myself and allowing space for learning and healing. That being said, I've noticed how often I operate out of fear and I'd like to do less of that. Less fear, more intention. Along those lines, I can also get sucked into brainless things as a way of avoiding things I *really* want to do, so I'd say I wish I'd done less Facebook. 
    


20. How did you spend Christmas? Like we usually do -- here with my fun family, eating great food, playing games, and enjoying how well we all know one another - such thoughtful gifts and so much excitement over giving and gratitude over receiving. We're really enjoying our games as well as our ping pong/pool/air hockey table. Oh, and we made two kinds of octopus (delicious!). My kids jumped in and helped make lunch on busy days leading up to Christmas (gourmet grilled cheese with tomato soup - yum!). We've had great meals. Mark made the most amazing breakfast I think I've ever had - an eggs Benedict bake with hollandaise sauce. It was scrumptious! It's also been so nice to hear from friends and family near and far this holiday season. We love the week between Christmas and New Year's and are super relaxed - sleeping, eating, and playing. Love!


21. Did you fall in love in 2015? So so so very much. I have literally been moved to tears at seeing how loved I am by my best friend. And on top of that? I love him, too.


22. What was your favorite TV program? The Goldbergs, The Big Bang Theory, and our new favorite, Jane the Virgin! I've also enjoyed Difficult People, Master of None, and Grace and Frankie on streaming. Oh, and Amazing Race! 


23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? I honestly don't hate anyone. Mostly, I'm simply feeling empowered about who I choose to spend my time with. It has to not be a drain. 


24. What was the best book you read? This has been a bit of a "bleh" year in the book department. I did like "Calling Dr. Laura" - one of the many beautiful graphic novels Mark bought me this past Christmas. I liked "All the Bright Places." I listened to the audio of "Bossypants" by Tina Fey during our travel to and from CA and I enjoyed that! (Tina Fey is my soul sister). I read a TON of articles (it's seriously crazy). I need to read some better books moving forward . . .  


25. What was your greatest musical discovery? A Great Big World. I didn't discover them this year, but their new album is great. 


26. What did you want and get? Insight and healing. My inbox to zero! HUZZAH! (That took nearly all year). Also, a new fridge. It took the old one dying and Mark making it last longer by taking off the freezer panel and blow drying the ice for a while, but eventually, we went for it and it's so great to have room to put plenty of food again as well as have a functioning ice/water dispenser! (Thanks for the help, Mom!) 


27. What did you want and not get? Woot! Again, we've done well. This past year, I said this: "I'd say more time/support working on taking care of myself." And, to a great extent, I've been getting that! But this question is about wanting something I did not get . . . hmmmmm . . . probably that ever-fruitless desire of wanting others to be more understanding. We can't control others; we are in charge of ourselves. A good life lesson. Also, to be able to do nice things for myself and enjoy myself without guilt. Like I said earlier, I'm struggling in this area and it runs deep so it's not something I can just turn on and off. I'm working on this and I think I'm headed in the right direction anyway. 


28. What was your favorite film of this year? "Love and Mercy," hands down. I also loved "The Imitation Game," "St. Vincent," and "Star Wars: The Force Awakens." 


29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 41 - the day itself was wonderfully low-key (just what I wanted this year), spent with my family and, of course, it included gifts and good food. We got home just before an ice storm hit and stayed in playing games and talking on the phone with friends, helping them make a pro-con list about which house to buy.  
    


30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? A lottery win? Student loan debt forgiveness (can you imagine?!?)?


31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2015? I've been making an effort to not deny myself or put stuff off (as I'm wont to do), working on not always saving things for special occasions only, but to do it now and enjoy it. Carpe diem and all of that. So, I wear what I want and sometimes that means wearing the nice jewelry or the pretty dress just because (and jeans and t-shirts when I feel like it), not putting off things we want to do, working on projects, etc. Like I said, it feels so good to be in sync!


32. What kept you sane? My family, Scout, my therapist, friends, the beach, games, and TV.   


33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? John Cusack (he retweeted a picture of me WITH A MESSAGE!) and Bernie Sanders. 


34. What political issue stirred you the most? Inequality.
    


35. Who did you miss? My dad. Also, the extended Foley clan after our wonderful reunion.


36. Who was the best new person you met? My therapist. I'm very, very grateful to have found such a good one. Aside from that, we've made several friends in the area with people who share similar interests - tabletop gaming, Dr. Who, Sherlock, Harry Potter, food, geekdoms, fandoms, etc. It's been really nice to branch out and meet new, awesome, FUN people. But someone we've specifically met this year? 2015? Hmmmm. Mark and I met a waitress on one of our lunch dates and we really hit it off with her. We've since become Facebook friends (she left her Facebook contact on our receipt) and we've met her husband, who is a really, really cool guy. We don't get together with them a lot, but we've been out twice so far and we enjoy ourselves so much every time. We've also been meeting people through our kids - it's fun to meet their friends and their friends' parents.  
    


37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2015. That some things run so deep that they affect us emotionally and physically and take a LOT of work to heal. That we have internal family systems that work to protect us but sometimes, well-meaning as they may be, hold us back. That self insight and healing can make a world of difference, even if there's a long ways to go. Oh, and to stop putting off things that I really want to do - hosting foreign exchange students, going to CA, wearing that dress . . .  


38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
    
    So much this:
    "Like a small boat
    On the ocean
    Sending big waves
    Into motion
    Like how a single word
    Can make a heart open
    I might only have one match
    But I can make an explosion
    
    And all those things I didn't say
    Wrecking balls inside my brain
    I will scream them loud tonight
    Can you hear my voice this time?
    
    This is my fight song
    Take back my life song
    Prove I'm alright song
    My power's turned on
    Starting right now I'll be strong
    I'll play my fight song
    And I don't really care if nobody else believes
    'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me
    
    Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
    Everybody's worried about me
    In too deep
    Say I'm in too deep (in too deep)
    And it's been two years
    I miss my home
    But there's a fire burning in my bones
    Still believe
    Yeah, I still believe
    
    And all those things I didn't say
    Wrecking balls inside my brain
    I will scream them loud tonight
    Can you hear my voice this time?
    
    This is my fight song
    Take back my life song
    Prove I'm alright song
    My power's turned on
    Starting right now I'll be strong
    I'll play my fight song
    And I don't really care if nobody else believes
    'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me
    
    A lot of fight left in me
    
    Like a small boat
    On the ocean
    Sending big waves
    Into motion
    Like how a single word
    Can make a heart open
    I might only have one match
    But I can make an explosion
    
    This is my fight song (Hey!)
    Take back my life song (Hey!)
    Prove I'm alright song (Hey!)
    My power's turned on
    Starting right now I'll be strong (I'll be strong)
    I'll play my fight song
    And I don't really care if nobody else believes
    'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me
    
    No I've still got a lot of fight left in me"
    
    
    

    
    

    My voice. My story. I will not be silenced any more . . .