Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Polar Vortex

Polar Vortex. What a term! It is FREAKING cold. If I knew how to take a screenshot of my phone, I would post a picture of my weather app saying, "Current Temp: -1/Feels Like: -20," but since I am technologically challenged that way, you're just going to have to picture it:

Done? Good. It's FREEZING. Our heaters are cranked non-stop to keep it feeling normal in here. The funny thing about that weather app? It posted a "special weather statement" (which sounds like a good thing, but really isn't) warning us that "wind chill may cause temperatures to go as low as -15" while simultaneously telling me that it felt like "-25." -25! What are we, in freaking North Dakota? Who the HELL lives in North Dakota?!? Why? Why would anyone voluntarily live in North Dakota?

And if our "special weather statements" warn us that it's so cold out that there is a very real risk of hypothermia and frostbite, what do they tell people in North Dakota when that's their normal? "Sunny/-25?" WHO LIVES THERE?!?

And poor doggies! People, bring your pets inside!! If you're cold, they're cold. Scout is utterly unamused by this weather. As am I. Lucky for me, though, I don't have to pee outside on snow and ice. I feel so bad for her, that I'd almost rather she pee in the house than have to go out there. She's smart, though - she runs out, does her business, and runs back at such full speed, all 10 pounds of her actually makes a THUD sound when she hits the door to come in. And if we don't open the door in 3 seconds or less, she barks. Stupid she is not (demanding she is). At least she gets treats for peeing outside. I don't get treats for going potty. Then again, I don't relieve myself outdoors. Though even if I could get treats for peeing outside, I wouldn't do it. I have limits. Plus, I can get my own treats anytime I want, whether I use the facilities (indoor or out) or not.

It's SO cold. I feel bad for postal carriers. Stupid creed. Are we allowed to invite them in for something hot to drink? Postal Carriers. That is a career I think of often. Not for myself particularly, but being somewhat fickle by nature I tend to see them and think, on warm days, "What a great job!" and then on days like today, "Boy, that must suck." But you know what? At least I'm consistent. Do you ever hear me complain about heat? Hardly EVER. It has to be really miserably hot for me to gripe. Cold, on the other hand, is always miserable, and simply ranges from "brrrr this is so cold" to "who the hell lives in North Dakota cold." And anywhere on that range stinks, in my humble opinion. Scratch that. I don't think it's exactly humble to call oneself "humble." THUS SAITH STACY.  

Also? I just felt sorry for Scout and then our mailmen consecutively. Which is weird, because Scout hates our mailman. Hates. So I don't think inviting him in is such a great idea. Scout would go positively rabid.

I'm dressed in warm clothes. I'm inside our house. I'm drinking hot cocoa. What else keeps us warm? Running! Nope, not happening. I don't even run when the weather is perfectly pleasant, thank you very much. I don't understand the running phenomenon. Why do people do it voluntarily when it's not a fight-or-flight thing? People all around me run things called 5Ks, 10Ks, half-marathons, full marathons, triathlons. They run in mud. They run with zombies. Me? I have NO desire to run marathons. Not even in clean, zombie-free lands. Like none, zip, zilch, nada, none. It has no appeal to me whatsoever. I read that fitness is today's mid-life crisis. So either I'm not having a mid-life crisis or I am and I'm in utter denial. Running? Blech. 

Okay, I just looked up symptoms of hypothermia on WebMD:
Normally, the activity of the heart and liver produce most of your body heat. But as core body temperature cools, these organs produce less heat, in essence causing a protective "shut down" to preserve heat and protect the brain. Low body temperature can slow brain activity, breathing, and heart rate.
Confusion and fatigue can set in, hampering a person's ability to understand what's happening and make intelligent choices to get to safety.
I wonder if that's happening to me. I'm feeling cold and kind of weird and my brain . . . stop typing . . . but I have more to say! Duck Dynasty. Milkshakes. John Green. Gone with the Wind. Scrambled Eggs. Roomba! Gordon Ramsey. SNL. Puzzles. Socks. Brittany Spears. My email. Polar Vortex. STAY INSIDE.


Dr. Mark said...

So now you've offended the .3 readers per month that come from North Dakota . . .

Um, yeah. -2 when I left for work this morning. The car didn't even heat up until I was almost there. The bright side is that my morning was so busy that by the time I left it had increased to a balmy 4 degrees. I almost pulled out my shorts.

And when do you ever see me wearing a hoodie and slippers in the house? Oh, that's right. NEVER! You usually smoke me out in the winter and I break down and wear a t-shirt and shorts. Not happening today.

Judging by your sign-off, I think hypothermia has set in.

Chalkboard, shiny shoes, grease pencil, abacus, pantaloons!

Boquinha said...

I know! I'm like an 80-year-old during regular weather, space heater blowing on high all day long by my feet . . .

Drunk uncle didn't go to electoral college!

LMW said...

Sounds like us, except we wake up to -18 in the mornings lately and have had to deal with a lot of ice thanks to freezing rain, cold temps, not to mention earlier this week when it was 48 degrees one day and then back down to 16 the next. This has been one relentless winter. Lots of people around us have had days with lost electricity, furnace issues and leaky rovoes. We've been fortunate to keep our power, but we have had the other two problems in the past two weeks.

On Saturday, my husband had to go to three different stores, including Home Depot and WalMart, before he could find one that hadn't run out of salt for the driveway.

My dog, however, doesn't seem to mind that it's cold. He still takes his sweet time outside and I have to take him out on leash, because he can't be trusted just to come back to the door when he's finished with his business.

With all this said, I still prefer this weather to the idea of living in a place with natural disasters such as hurricanes, floods, tornadoes, etc.

Also, I hate to be hot. I don't like to be cold either, but being hot is difficult for me. If my feet are hot, the rest of me is too hot. We're the ones with air conditioners running from early May until the middle of October. Because we're on a budget plan for oil (which means we pay for oil monthly), summers are actually more expensive than winters for us, due to the money that we spend on constantly running two air conditioners.

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh, hilarious post. Hilarious! I know, those poor postal carriers. I think I'd call in sick.

My sister lives in Minnesota, it's been in negative double digits there for at least a week. The worst part, she moved there from Tampa, Florida. That's like torture.

I do remember days like this in Syracuse, NY, though. I remember the warnings that exposed skin would freeze within five minutes. I took the bus to school on those days!

This is one of those times when it's nice to snuggle up next to my warm boy all night long!

Trying to picture Mark in a hoodie and slippers in the house. Hmmm...tough...he's always barefoot.

Gramsy said...

Sounds like you are enjoying the winter weather. John (retired letter carrier) had mentioned several times over the last week that he's glad he's retired. I cleaned closets today just to get warm. Made me feel better too. When Dave's in the hosp I am very restless. Love you all and try to stay warm.

Emily Foley said...

I loooove drunk uncle.

My nephew is on a mission in Montana and a few weeks ago it was colder there than in ANTARCTICA. It was literally the coldest place in the world for a day. He's a big guy, 6'8" or taller and probably 250 lbs and he said he was the coldest he'd ever been. His pipes were frozen for three days! I HAAATE the cold. We've had a really nice winter so far but the past few days have just been bitter. Hate it.

Anonymous said...

Blech, I hate cold weather! In the summer I always think I like winter but I guess that's just in theory - yes, it's pretty, but it's also freaking freezing outside!

Also, it's been too snowy to drive anywhere so I haven't left the house since the 24th and it's getting a bit boring. xD There are only so many hours one can read before it gets boring and one wants to talk to someone different.

Boquinha said...

LMW, brrrr! We've been having wildly varying temperatures, too. I'm so glad you didn't lose power! You must be freezing when you take your dog out. No fence? I agree about natural disasters - tornadoes and earthquakes in particular sounds horrible to me. No warning!

72 - Oh, I didn't know your sister had moved there from FL. Yikes!

Gramsy, I thought of John on that cold day! Love you both!

Emily, us, too! So funny! We quote him a lot. Hysterical! He's one of our favorite Weekend Update regulars. We also really like "girl you wish you hadn't started talking to at a party," but I think they're done with her since Cecily Strong has the Weekend Update desk now.

And, wow, that's COLD! What a record to experience! Blech.

Nevillegirl, thank goodness for the Internet at least, but yes, one can go stir crazy (though I must admit to being a homebody)!

Jimmy said...

I'm still laughing at "Thus Saith Stacy."

I don't get North Dakota either. Seems like its only inhabitants should be buffalo.