We teach our children again and again things I wish I had known when I was younger, things I've learned working as a therapist, things that save a lot of heartache, things that help us be stronger, and things, quite frankly, everyone should learn in Kindergarten (you know, along with waiting in line, taking turns, and our ABCs).
So, we're walking out the door to go to violin lesson. As I'm locking up, apparently a couple of neighborhood kids playing in the yard try to block our kids from getting to the van (we live in a townhouse development so it's pretty much communal land, but they are, technically, in OUR yard). I don't really notice any of this as I'm locking up and getting stuff together, but the kids fill me in.
Cute, but rather intrusive, little girl who's constantly asking us questions (in a whiny voice, no less) when she sees us:
Where are you going?
K: To violin lessons
Whiny Girl (putting out arms to block our kids): Well, don't go in OUR yard! (remember, this is in our yard).
K: Well, this is our yard. (Walking around girl thinking, "She's not going to stop us").
Whiny Girl's brother: He can't play violin (referring to M).
K: Yes he can. It's a special kind of violin that any age can play (Suzuki).
WG's brother: No, he can't.
K (shrugging): You can think what you want.
I ask the kids if what the neighborhood kids said bothers them. They both shrug and say, "No, they can think what they want. It doesn't bother me. We know what they're saying isn't true."
I am SO proud of them!! No whining (they haven't ever been whiners, thankfully), no self-pity, no woe-is-meing, no buying into other people's junk, no feelings of hurt or self doubt. UTTER self confidence and assurance. I am SO grateful that what we try so hard to teach (I'm sure that we sometimes drone on and on ) and exemplify (we're not perfect and we're always working on this stuff) is making sense!!
Yes, sometimes people make hurtful statements and they're trying to be mean and rude and that stinks. But in general, BE OPEN. Consider what people say. If someone says something and it has some merit or validity, consider it (say someone says you micro-manage--think about it, do you? No need to take offense. Great! Something to notice and work on! Kudos on the self awareness). If someone says something that isn't true ("You're stupid"), consider it, recognize that it's not true, challenge it, and shrug it off ("Am I? I don't think I am. I mean, I read and write well, I can cook, I have good friends, I am organized, I like myself . . . nope, I'm not stupid. {Shrug}.") And be done giving your energy to the nonsense of others. It's not worth it.
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3 comments:
how do you keep your kids from whining? that's all isaac does. all day. every day.
Great Kate !
The decisions you have made on handling this situation was awesome. Yes, people can say what they want...it's our reaction to what they say that makes the world of difference for us.
Aw, Emily, that's rough. When I say our kids aren't whiners, it's not to say they don't try now and then. We generally interrupt the whining and say, "I don't understand whining. Talk to me in a regular voice." (And with younger kids, it probably helps to show them what you mean). And we respond when they talk in a normal voice.
We also try to watch it ourselves so that they're not picking up whining from us!! :P Of course, we do tend to be sarcastic (it's funny to see our kids pick up sarcasm the older we all get), so sometimes we whine like crazy to make a point. They usually sit there speechless and looking at us like we're crazy when we do this.
That and when we also pretend argue ("That's MY toy! No, MINE! I WANT IT!! No, ME!!"). When they stare at us in amazement, we say, "Do Daddy and I argue like that?"
"No."
"Okay, please use words and get along. We don't yell and argue like that in our family."
Kids usually get a big kick out of exaggerated role playing (and it's fun). :P
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