Wednesday, January 13, 2010

I hate AI auditions

I hate them so much that I don't usually blog about them. But I need to vent. I'd avoid these episodes all together, but I want to see the good singers. I want to form some kind of attachment to them and their stories before I see them in Hollywood. But A.I. producers continue to thwart our good intentions with their nonsense.

I hate the waste of time that is stupid-person-getting-airtime auditions on American Idol.

I hate the endless clips of rising suns, rain, seas of umbrellas, rolling clouds in fast motion, setting suns, mass transit, various historical statues, and crowds of thousands chanting, "I'm the next American Idol!" instead of, oh, I don't know, PEOPLE SINGING WELL!!

I don't want to be entirely negative, so let me add that I love Tivo and the ability to fast forward through said waste of time.

Back to the negatives. Because that's what this post is about. I hate that the producers air a 2-hour program, show us 3 decent singers, 147 crappy ones, and then wrap it up at the end with a 30-second montage with the voice over telling us that "19 other hopefuls got that golden ticket." 19 people we didn't see. Because we had to watch girls dressed as guitars, tirades we can't even hear because they're covered up by loud, annoying beeping sounds paired with strategically-placed blue American Idol ovals, and hokey dramatizations mocking decent back woods people from the South or Appalachia, which I'm sorry but is just so totally over the top rude and so very, very politically INcorrect, that I don't know how they don't have yearly lawsuits from the ACLU.

I hate that they let Paula Abdul get away. Loopy or not, she was the saving grace of that show.

WHERE IS ELLEN?? I am so ready for Ellen.

And my biggest beef of all beefs, as I've mentioned before maybe once or twice, Randy Jackson gets on my last nerve. Paula they let go. But Dumb Ass they keep. Let's just call him D.A. for short.

Let's proceed with some of the reasons I don't like him.

D.A. has the inability to think for himself.

After Simon says, "Let's vote. I say yes." D.A. says, "Uh yeah, I say yes, too." But confusion strikes when Simon defaults to D.A. first. We get a series of uhs and ums and nervous laughter followed by stupid questions like, "You want to know what I think?"

And they pay him millions of dollars to do this, Ladies and Gentlemen.

D.A. is a total follower.

Simon likes them, then so does D.A.
Kara likes them. Big surprise! So does D.A.
Simon gets up to take a smoke break. Randy gets up even though he doesn't even smoke.

D.A. makes tons of veiled insults that he doesn't recognize as totally transparent and, on top of that, really believes are compliments.

An average-looking kid walks in and sings like a superstar and D.A. says with a look of awe and a sound of utter surprise, "Wow! I'll tell you what, Dawg. When you walked in here, I did NOT think you would sound like that, but you can really sing!" Which roughly translates to, "Dude, you are so ugly that I thought you would suck" while also conveying the message, "I am totally shallow and pre judge based on outward appearances, because I'm just that fly."

D.A. is a total math idiot (and in 9 seasons, they have yet to clue him in).

I mean he sounds like such a dope and no one stops him.

Simon says, "100% yes."
D.A. follows up with, "1 billion trillion gazillion percent yes!"

Kara says, "100% yes."
D.A. follows up with, "Five hundred thousand percent yes!"

Mary J. Blige says, "100% yes."
D.A. follows up with, "200 percent yes!"

(Not that Mary J. has much on Mr. Jackson. I do believe she said that one of the contestants had won a congeal-iality award. Unless there is a prize in Miss America for the ability to solidify or coagulate of which I am unaware, she could use some clueing in as well).

D.A. has next to nothing intelligent to say.

It all sounds something like "Yo, I mean, dope, dawg. I mean, Dude. That was . . . what?!?! What was, I mean, that was, you know. I don't know, you know? Yo."

He drives me crazy. Seriously, God bless the inventor of Tivo. 2 cities down and 6 to go.


Jimmy said...

Loving the "Dude, you're so ugly I thought you would suck."

You would have been proud of me last night. I commented to Joy, "Randy's really a goofy looking guy."

She thought it was mean. I think he resembles some marine animal. Not sure which one.

Rebecca said...

So funny. I said some of the same things while we were fastforwarding through yesterday's show.
But I have to say I really like Bosa (from Nigeria) and the "country girl from the country".

Vivian said...

I have a love/hate relationship with the auditions. Such a waste of time with all the crowd scenes, 'I AM the next AI' etc. But on the other hand, I do like to see the cities. I loved the shots of Boston, one of my favorites cities I've visited. (great tour guides, you know) I like the back stories on the talented contestants, but I resent the toying with me when after the back story the contestant is awful. I am embarassed for them and I'm mad at the producers who are encouraging us to laugh at these poor hopefuls. Some of them know they are horrible and just want their TV moment, but so many of them truly think they are great and it is painful to watch their humilition. And as for Randy, I can only assume he has mad skills for producing or something behind the scenes to compensate for his lack of eloquence. I love Ellen, too and I can't wait to see how she finds her place with them. Sorry for the length. At least I'm not wasting paper, right?

terahreu said...

As much as you hate DA, Posh was WAY worse. What a waste of space she was (all 70 pounds of her). Seriously, bring on Ellen.

Yeah for Foley AI commentary! Can't wait for the real deal.

J Fo said...

HA! I totally agree. I would have given up on AI long ago if it weren't for the Tivo! I HATE HATE HATE the percent talk. Just say yes or no. It is NOT possible to have more than 100% so stop making crap up, it just makes you look ignorant. Grrr! Bring on Hollywood week please! (That's the first week that Ellen will be on.)

Dr. Mark said...

Randy's on-screen usefulness peaked in Season 2. Somewhere after that he started competing for Simon's affection by kissing up to him. Maybe he went out with Simon to bum a cigarette so he could smoke with the cool kids.

Posh at least added a LITTLE bit to the show. I didn't get why we needed more than a cardboard cut out of Mary J. Blige to get the same effect.

My biggest beef is that the producers seem to take delight in mocking genuine and sincere people. It just a bunch of mean-spirited, sophomoric nonsense that turns me off to the process.

I'm trying not to remember too many people at this stage. Less people to worry about during Hollywood week when so many of the contestants disappear.

Boquinha said...

Jimmy, your marine animal comment made me laugh out loud. I couldn't agree more -- both on thinking that and not being sure which one. Hilarious!

Rebecca, I liked Bosa's mom. :) I liked the boy who cares for his mom. What a nice voice.

Vivian, I so agree!! Don't apologize for the long comment. It's fine. This is fun! I love talking about American Idol! It was very painful to watch the humiliation for that one, tall, skinny kid who kept singing (and not smiling) while all 4 judges laughed at him. And the way they added that "cheap dramatization" to his story AND made that "timber" sound/shake when he got off the elevator. It was all so wrong. So mean.

Terah, you're not kidding! She looked like a twig that was about to snap in half, though I kind of liked her Audrey Hepburn vibe.

Jessica, exactly! 100 percent is as high as you can go in percentages!!!!! ARGH. Math isn't even my strong suit and I know that. And Randy does it ALL the time. It's so aggravating!!

Mark, as usual, you and me? We're like this. :) I get attached already. I just hope they show us what happens with these kids and that they don't introduce too much new stuff in Hollywood. I don't remember hearing much about Kris Allen until the top 12 or so. If they're making it to the big stage, I want the back stories!