The finale of no reason

So, American Idol started the night with a video of a shy Carrie Underwood singing at age 8. Hmmm, a video of a country singer. Shocking. That was followed by home videos of the two country singing finalists when they were kids. I did NOT see that coming.

The L-A-U-R-E-N sign holders in the audience got it right. That's a step up from the S-C-O-T-Y-T fans from this past week.

They brought out a doctor in black scrubs to explain that Lauren strained her vocal chords. Hmmm, they've never done that before. Think they want Lauren to win?

So, the night goes down like this:
1. Contestant's favorite song of the season
2. Idol's idol's selection (did you follow that?)
3. A song that will be each of their first single(s)

Scotty won the coin toss and then let Lauren decide. What a guy!

Round 1

Scotty sang "Gone" again. The crazy violin guy followed him around in what looked like what would've been a parade if more people had participated. He ended by swinging the microphone like a bat. And for some inexplicable reason, the judges did not judge anything. Apparently they have no reason for being there other than to watch like everyone else except at an oddly-shaped table.

Lauren sang "Flat on the Floor" making the crazy violin guy really work for his money tonight, though I suppose that's just the nature of a country finale (yawn). There was consistency in the selection of her outfit. It was as consistently hideous as the rest of her outfits all season. She wore her grandmother's shiny aluminum foil shirt (two of them!) with cowboy boots. Her voice sounded strained. The judges again said nothing for no reason that I can imagine.

Round 2

Scotty sang "Check Yes or No," because George Strait told him to. I know none of these songs, so I kind of tuned out and noticed other things. Scotty holds his guitar way up high under his arms and stands like he's straddling a giant horse. This song didn't seem challenging at all. Again, for no reason that I can see (except for maybe staying on time so as not to mess with Glee), the judges remained silent and Ryan just gave out lots of numbers.

Lauren sang "Maybe it was Memphis" and I couldn't tell you a thing about this song that I didn't recognize, but Carrie Underwood chose it and I think Carrie Underwood doesn't like Lauren Alaina all that much. Also, WTH is she wearing?!? She was dressed like a precocious little 6-year-old girl from the 1920s participating in a child pageant in some sort of ghastly baby puke color with matching baby puke petticoat.

Wow, that round was really boring.

Oh, judges! This part where the judges started talking? Very strange. Why the rush? Why is this on a Tuesday? (I'm so confused now and will spend all day tomorrow thinking it's Thursday). Why is this on before Glee? Why the ugly Randy jacket with giant, black, silk lapels? WHY, Brennan, WHY?!? (That's a little shout out to our friends -- My blog, my comments. Behold my power.). Wow, I'm so bored tonight. All of these questions and no conceivable reason or explanation whatsoever.

Randy and J Lo talked a lot and rapidly while reading from their notes and I tuned out. Steven gave both rounds to Lauren "because she's prettier," thus reminding us all that the best and most redeeming aspect of this entire season is Steven Tyler.

They premiered a song that Taio Cruz sang while Lady Gaga's drummers (Blue Man Redux -- thank you, Mark) joined him on stage. His mic went out, so someone's getting fired. We fast forwarded because we saw no reason at all to sit and listen to a song that sounds exactly the same throughout its entirety, but hey, Taio did introduce us to a new genre of music that I'd call "Techno Pop Marching Band Symphonic."

Ryan tried to get me excited before each commercial but I've never been less invested in any AI finale.

Round 3

Scotty sang "I Love You This Big." He looked so nice in his suit jacket, holding his arms out to the side with as little cheesiness as he could possibly muster while his mama cried. He was slightly off but good. That was a really dull "finale" song, though. Not his fault, but whoever chose that song? Yuck.

Ryan interviewed Scotty afterward and held his mic under Scotty's chin for no reason since Scotty was using his own mic just fine. But hey, doing something for no reason was in keeping with the night. I think that even the producers and crew of this show are bored and burned out. Scotty just kept talking into his mic while probably thinking, "You can hold your mic next to my mic if you want to look like a moron, but I'll just keep talking into this perfectly functioning one right here in my hands." I think even Ryan has checked out.

Lauren sang "Like My Mother Does" and it was a much better finale song. She went to her mom while singing, which I thought was mighty risky. Her mom totally lost it and then so did Lauren.

Steven articulated his crush on Lauren (again) only this time it was less creepy. Maybe because she was singing about her mother.

In keeping with an evening of "nice" people (Lauren, Scotty, J Lo, Steven), they had David Cook, one of the nicest winners ever, sing us out.

So, tomorrow we get to tune in and watch Lauren be crowned the winner, but probably not before we have to sit through some kind of spastic African dancing contribution from Naima. However, I did hear a rumor that a Mr. Jack Black will be in attendance, so it's probably worth watching just for that. Heaven knows I don't care who wins, but bring on Jack Black!