I want my Mom!

Forgive me in advance. I'm going to totally whine here. It's been a very long day.

I want my Mom. I'm safe to write this here because my Mom generally looks at this when I tell her I've posted pictures. So, she likely won't even notice this. And even if she does, this isn't even any sort of anger directed at her. I just wouldn't want to make her feel badly. She has more than enough on her plate and I do understand that and feel really badly for her. She is full-time (plus some . . . plus a lot!) caregiving to my Dad and it's not easy. I ache for her. I don't know if she knows that or not, but it's true.

Anyway (whine on) I want my Mom. We're making progress and we're happy with that, but so often I get to a room or a bunch of boxes or a project and stare and feel so "bleh" and lonesome for my Mom. I want her here as moral support. I want her here for hands on help. I want her here to hang out with. I want to go out to dinner and laugh with her. I want her to play with the kids while I do dishes or unpack a box.

I'm not generally a jealous person at all. I don't envy "stuff." I couldn't care less what so-and-so drives or what brand names they wear. I don't even know brand names! I do feel the green-eyed monster though when I see Moms and Dads visiting their adult kids and grandparents visiting their grandkids. I have a friend who's expecting. Her Mom will help her out when the baby arrives. For at least a month! I have another friend who has recently moved. Who helped? Her Mom. For weeks!! I have friends who are in residency. Who's visiting several times a year for moral and hands-on support? Well, his mom, but still. We have come to recognize that those who survive residency well have that sort of extended family support. That can be a big help on those tough rotations. Another friend recently posted on her blog that one thing she is totally sure of is that her parents would do anything for her. And from her other posts, that certainly seems true!

Anyway, it's been like this for years. With my Dad's health issues and them not traveling much, I've sort of gotten used to it. Well, I guess not entirely since I'm writing this. They say you're never too old for your Mom and Dad. It's true. Thing is, I'm young! And I've spent years getting used to not having them around much. And I'm one of two kids! So, it's not that they're spread thin with a dozen children. :P My Mom hasn't come to our wedding shower. My Mom hasn't helped me wedding dress shop. My mom hasn't been to any of our baby showers. My parents and brother weren't at my graduation from Graduate School. We spend very few holidays and birthdays together. And they don't even live that far away. Again, this isn't blame or anger or anything like that. We're not the best at traveling to see people either. In fact, we rarely do. For a number of reasons--some financial, some logistics, some deeply personal ones that are too painful to share. So this isn't an angry post. This is a longing post. I want my Mom. I'm comfortable around her with this sort of stuff--moving, cooking, talking, etc. I want my Mom.

We talk almost daily on the phone, but I still feel like there's so much they don't know about what's up with us. I mean, they know the basics and fun stories, but I'm not sharing a lot of the stressful aspects, because they have enough on their plates. When we talk, it's about Dad and Dad's health, and my Mom's caregiving. It's not generally about how much we've unpacked (or haven't) or what's been stressful for us. And that's okay. I totally understand that. But that doesn't mean I don't miss sharing those things and longing for a sympathetic response. It would only make my Mom feel worse that she's not here helping. And I don't want to do that to her.

We're grateful for the visits we DO get and the fun things we DO do. I'm so grateful for good, thoughtful friends and the "fill ins." And since we haven't ever lived right next door to family, we seem to have a lot of those--Gessels, Baldwins, Leedoms all come to mind, but I don't dare make a full list because I'm sure I'd leave someone out and I don't want to do that. We're grateful for motherly and grandmotherly types who look out for us, come to our kids' birthday parties, invite us over for Thanksgiving, help us with home projects, check in and see how we're doing. It means a lot and it fills a sort of "void," I guess. Not completely, of course. Because it's not the same as your own Mom. But it's helpful and sooooooo very appreciated. I sometimes wonder if there are people we know and love who are longing to do more mothering and grandmothering . . . maybe we could mutually benefit one another! :P Heh. Sigh.

Anyway, sorry to be such a downer. I don't really feel down or dejected. I sort of feel like I'm grieving a bit, I guess. I suppose that's normal with all that's going on with my Dad and my Mom. I think it would be so neat to have my Mom and Dad show up at the door, hug us, hang out with us, see our house, see our business, play with the kids, eat dinner with us. I don't know what has me so deep in thought. Could be the holidays. Could be the weather. Could be (and probably is) that I'm struggling with what's going on with my parents and reconciling that with my own issues, I guess. I don't know.

Sigh.

I'm simply saying, I want my Mom.