Checking Off My List

You know how "they" always have these lists where you're supposed to check off things you've "ever done" in your life? My list is Things I Thought I'd Never Do, and the item is "Be doused by gallon upon gallon of raw sewage." Seriously.

My wife has been hearing strange noises come out of our sink for a few days and I thought maybe the garbage disposal had something in it that may have been stuck and came free. It seemed to be the easy answer since plumbing and I don't get along much. In fact, if I were a superhero it would be my nemesis in some form or another--Dr. Sludge or Mr. Hairball. Then, yesterday morning while she was in the upstairs shower I heard gurgling in the same sink. So naturally I thought, "Hey! I need some Drain-o in there." Thankfully I never got to it. Anyway, we went about our normal plans for the day. Being a relatively nice day she and the kids went outside in the backyard to play and I was getting ready to do some work inside. I cleaned the bathroom downstairs next to the laundry area because some people were dropping by to play and we thought we should have a nice rest stop for them, just in case. We put a load of laundry in with plans to take advantage of the sunshine and hang our wash on the line. So bathroom's clean, washer's running, and I grab my computer and set up in the kitchen on the table to get to work. M comes in to wash his hands in the bathroom and I hear my wife yelling for me. She didn't need to yell that loudly since I was a few feet away, but I can't blame her for getting a little worked up over suds upon suds coming up through the toilet bowl, out from under the toilet, and out from the sink. Oh, and the drain pipe from the washer was oozing the white sudsy stuff, too. This is the washer that has new hot/cold water and drain hoses because of intermittent leaking.

So, we shut off water everywhere, slapped down towels and I went to work. Have I mentioned how I hate plumbing? I went to the basement, found the access to the drain pipes and saw it was dripping a bit. OK, let off the pressure and see what's going on. I grabbed my 5-gallon bucket and put it under the pipe and started to unscrew the cap. Holy crap! And I mean that literally. I don't know how much water came out, but my bucket didn't stand a chance. We're talking gusher here. Water was spraying everywhere. Luckily I'd changed out of my good shoes and into my sandals in case there was a little splashing here and there. I'm sure the rest of my clothes would have appreciated similar treatment.

We have some good friends that happened to walk by the house while I was underground playing human mop and he offered to bring over a snake. We fed it in about 15 feet or so and didn't make any difference. I called the plumber and as luck would have it the plumber on call was the same guy who came over to our townhouse to fix an issue a few years ago. Something about me drilling a screw straight into a drain pipe while I was hanging a shelf in the closet. Good times.

The plumber got there and used his monster snake, the one that plugs into the wall and takes two oversize men to control. We still didn't get it fixed from the basement so he asks me where the house catch is. If I knew I would have told him. Once he explained that it's the sewer access outside the house. I told him I didn't know where it since our friend had already looked. The pipes seemed to go straight outside to the backyard but the catch wasn't visible so the plumber thought we'd have to dig for it. He called the excavator (really, a guy with a shovel in this case) and he said he'd be out today. So we showered at a friend's house last night, received a meal from the friends with the snake, and all used the toilet before flushing once. The fun never stops here, I'll tell you!

Late this morning the plumber called and said he'd be over so I went outside to give it another look. Earlier some friends (different from the snake and shower friends) came on their way to church and gave us their house key in case we needed to use water and didn't want raw sewage backing up into our house. That was considerate. They mentioned that their drainage was in front of the house. So I went out and looked and there was a lot of bubbling ooze (I wish I could have said "oil that is") in the front yard that we (and by that, I mean "I") thought was excess runoff from the rains. My wife had seen it the night before and wondered if it was relevant. I figured it was rainwater, remember? It stunk like sewage and so I started digging. I soon hit metal and found the vent catch we were looking for. When the plumber came he said good thing I found it because we would have dug up the whole backyard looking for what was in the front. Yeah, good thing. I probably found it because the snake friends have a son who called to see how things were going and said he'd pray for us. He said this right before I found a spot to dig.

Now we have open sewage, a thing I've taken for granted to this point in my life. We also have a bathroom floor to repair and dried crap on the basement floor I need to clean tonight. My love affair with plumbing continues.

Emergency visit from the plumber: $110
Running the power snake on two consecutive weekend days: $298
Sunday afternoon fun with the excavator: $100
Being assaulted by a powerful flow of raw sewage: Priceless.