What I Pictured and What Is

I’m turning 34 tomorrow. I’ve been thinking about goals/ideas you sort of have for yourself, things you sort of picture yourself doing by a certain age or somesuch along those lines. And I’ve been thinking about how some of those things are adjusted as you grow and mature and learn to roll with what your heart tells you and how your personality and philosophies change rather than being completely married to certain ideas of how something “has to be.” I’ve been considering things I’ve done and have yet to do and ideas that have changed and how we feel about those things. So, here is a list of some random life goal type things that have always been important to me and how I’ve met, am meeting, am adjusting, of have yet to do them as well as how I feel about how I’m doing with those things:

Going on a mission – I did not grow up thinking I would for sure go, but was, I suppose, open to the idea. Even though my patriarchal blessing talks about me serving a mission and how it would be a source of much strength to me throughout my life, I somehow managed to convince myself that that meant I’d go as an older person and be strengthened throughout my eternal life. I had a roommate who always knew she’d go from the time she was a little girl and nothing was going to stop her. That wasn’t me at all. I, together with another roommate (Julia), even wrote a letter to the editor of the BYU newspaper griping about the mentality among many men on campus who would not even consider marrying a girl who hadn’t served a mission. We wrote about how a mission isn’t for every girl and how the prophet has said as much and how marriage was taught to be a higher priority so what right did those arrogant RMs have to insist they only marry an RM themselves.

And then I was about to turn 21. And I still didn’t think I had to go and wasn’t even sure if I wanted to. Most of my friends were going but that didn’t mean I necessarily did or wanted to. Mark was on his mission and was getting home in less than a year and I was sick of being apart and I missed him so much it hurt. If I left, that would mean I’d be on a mission when he got home and that would also mean being apart for 3 ½ years instead of 2 and a little bit. That sounded like torture. And I’m not a big fan of torture. And if Mark had gotten home before I could leave on a mission, there’s not a snowball’s chance in hell I would’ve gone. Nem pensar!

So, I wrote Mark and basically uttered out loud and specifically for the first time ever between us that I wanted to marry him and asked him if he thought I should go on a mission. (I was one of those girls who wouldn’t write anything distracting to him since, you know, he was busy serving God and being a missionary. The letter was so long and had so much preamble since I was all nervous about writing something so forthright and potentially distracting that he thought he was getting “Dear Johned” and when he got to the part about me wanting to marry him, he had to back up and reread the letter in that light. And we weren’t officially waiting though we both wanted to get married to each other—we had an “If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be” attitude and didn’t feel we had to manipulate the situation to make it so. Neither of us dated much and what little we did only reinforced how perfect we are for each other since other people didn’t come anywhere close to measuring up at all). So, Mark basically said he knew that I wanted him to make the decision for me (so true) and that it was up to me and he’d support me either way and he even threw in that while he felt I’d make an amazing missionary and bless many people, the selfish part of him wanted me home when he got back but he’d support me either way. Wow! And ugh.

So, back to more soul searching decision making and prayer and fasting. I spoke with multiple bishops (past and present) and they all asked about my “boyfriend situation” and when I explained about him being on his mission and getting home 5 months after I’d enter the MTC, they all responded with a “Oooh, that is a tough one!” So, it was really up to me (since no one else seemed interested in making the decision for me) and after much prayer and feeling it was the right thing to do, I decided to do it—ball was in Mark’s court.

I submitted my papers and waited for my call. I wanted to go Spanish speaking so badly. I was nervous thinking it was a high probability I’d go to Brazil. I opened my call. Portugal Lisbon South (which included, at the time, Portugal and West Africa). I was thrilled, but even then had no idea how much I’d fall in love with 2 countries, 2 continents, 2 peoples. And I had no idea just how much that experience, particularly visiting the places I did and meeting the people I did and falling in love with those areas of the world and people the way I did and serving with the people I did (Elders and Sisters and Mission Presidents alike) would influence me forever. I admit I look back on some of what I did and think, “I did what?!”, but I’m so glad I went. I don’t regret it at all.

Summary: Not necessarily what I thought I’d do or when I thought I’d do it, but very glad I did it where and when I did.

Getting married – I thought I’d marry at 18 since that’s what my Mom did and that’s how old my brother’s bride was. Then I turned 18 and that seemed ridiculously young (for me). I got to college and enjoyed every minute of it and took it all in and didn’t particularly have “marriage on the brain.” I did, however, meet my future husband at 18 years old, only (reference above story), we got married right before I turned 23.

When I got back from my mission, I thought it would take months to get used to being together again (after all, we’d been apart for over 3 ½ years), but it truly took less than a minute. No lie. There were only seconds of nervousness and it all completely melted into right-back-where-we-left-off-ness. And it was blissful. No exaggeration. So, we got engaged a little over a month after that. And married a little over 2 months after getting engaged.

And marriage has completely exceeded my expectations. By. A. Mile. (or perhaps a million or more). I mean, I always figured I’d love getting married and I always figured I’d marry an amazing man (I mean, who sets out not to, right?), but I’ve got the man of my dreams plus some, plus much, much more. I was, apparently, incapable of dreaming big enough; yes even as my typical idealistic young self, I couldn’t even picture anything as wonderful as we experience. I’m very happily married to the most wonderful man ever who treats me so amazingly well that it’s almost otherworldly. And it keeps getting better and better (though I’m unclear how that’s possible when it hasn’t ever not been good) and deeper and more and more fulfilling. Our growth does not separate us with any rifts—it occurs very much together and deepens and enhances what we have; it’s a beautiful thing. I count myself blessed anyway, but I especially recognize how good I have it when I hear some of the stories I do from my clients and even from some of my friends. I’m a blessed, blessed woman. I’m married to my best friend and we connect in every single way possible. He helps me be the best me I can possibly be and always encourages (and never discourages) me from going after things and enjoying life and fulfillment in any and all areas that are. I’m head over heels in love: it’s ideal—full of depth and I still get butterflies.

Summary: Even better than I’ve pictured. Enjoy it immensely.

College Education – I always knew I’d go to college. Always. I always knew I’d get a bachelor’s degree. That wasn’t ever a question. My parents raised me always using phrases like “when you go to college,” never an “if.” My parents set such an example for me in their own lives and in their own education. Both had to drop out of school to help support families (my mom later going back for both college and grad school, against all odds) so both always encouraged me to pursue higher education. And I’m very grateful to them for always making that a financial priority as well. In every way, it was encouraged and made available, but not pushed. I was able to want it for myself, not just because my parents wanted it for me. That’s a pretty beautiful thing. I grew up wanting to be all kinds of things from a lawyer to a pediatrician to a vet to a writer to the President of the United States. I started college (as did Mark) as a Political Science major (pre-law). I was using my undergrad as a springboard for law school. That changed. And I must say, I’m glad. I love my major (Humanities-English Literature) and am forever grateful for my liberal arts degree, no matter what degree of ridicule my older brother tries to inflict on me about it. It has helped me be a good writer and speaker and has given me a balance and appreciation in research, reading, writing, speaking, and debating. I am passionate about my studies and I can actually be fairly articulate! Mark and I have done total 180s with regard to our majors and careers and we’re pretty happy with that. And college was awesome. Totally exceeded my expectations.

Summary: Always knew I’d do it, loved it even more than I imagined I would.

Graduate School – I think I always wanted to go to grad school, but I think once I graduated college, I started to give myself pep talks about putting it off and how it would be okay to do it down the road. I’m so glad I didn’t put it off. I wanted to start right away, but I’m glad I got some work and volunteer experience under my belt. And I’m glad that I rather impulsively picked up the phone at work one day while several months pregnant with our oldest and asked the local university if they were ever thinking of offering a Master’s in Social Work. They enthusiastically told me that they were currently taking applications for a brand new MSW program to start that fall and that it would be geared to an older, mature crowd and that it would be extremely flexible in its approach—full time and part time stints, day and night and summer classes. Sold!

I immediately set to work getting my paperwork together and contacting professors and friends for letters of recommendation on rather short notice. I also found out that I was able to get (very inexpensive) in-state tuition because of the date we moved to Arizona (a date that we had rather randomly chosen in our effort to get out of our beloved college town and move on with “real life”)! I even got a scholarship for part of the time (for both undergrad and grad schools)—quite a blessing! And I loved, loved, loved graduate school, especially my internships. And we look back on that time as quite a happy and fun one—juggling medical school, graduate school, debt, living in a trailer, our first baby (amazingly, I nursed her and we used no sitters during all this), and one car to pull this all off. We would go to my campus several nights a week as a family and I’d attend class while Daddy and baby bonded over medical school notes and toys and Elmo videos and I’d exit class as necessary to nurse her and hang out as a family. Good, good times. I love my graduate school experience, have been very blessed in all that I’ve learned through it, and am forever grateful that I didn’t put it off—I think it would have always sort of nagged at me and I would have been constantly talking myself into how good it was that I was putting it off, looking for the bright side of that, emphasizing the positive and higher callings, and probably not admitting, even to myself, the disappointment at a void due to putting off something important to me about which I’ve always felt passionate. It has helped me personally and in our family as a wife and mom and also in serving others—and for that we’re very grateful.

Summary: Thought I’d do it later in life, so very glad I didn’t put it off. Loved it. Continue to enjoy the benefits.

Children – I’ve always been excited to be a mom and always excited to be a stay-at-home mom to boot. I do enjoy that very much and am grateful to be able to do it and be part of a culture and so many friendships that reinforce the value in that as well as lending support for it. We love our children fiercely and passionately—words do not exist to describe the powerful love we have as a family. Not all things about mothering come very naturally for me, but feeling deeply loving feelings for our children always has. And for that I’m very grateful. We have great kids. They’re wonderful and constantly teach us. And we’re all great friends and enjoy one another very much.

I think this very topic is part of what has me writing this post. I always thought I’d give birth to all of our children by the time I turned 34. Suffering debilitating depression has had an effect on this as well as other areas of life as well. We’ve always pictured ourselves having 4 children. Always. Even as we’ve bought baby things, we’ve always looked at it as stuff to last for 4 children (2 girls and 2 boys, by the way :P). We have 2 wonderful children and we’re quite happy. Jury’s out on whether or not we’re having more (though in some ways I’d be surprised if we do have more), but we’re very happy with ourselves for going with the flow on this and not being so committed to some “goal” of a number that we miss out on how we feel along the way. We’re thrilled with our family and enjoy ourselves and our lives very much. We have no complaints. And beyond that even, we’re quite thrilled.

We always thought we’d send our kids to school. After all, Mark and I have both enjoyed our public school experiences very much. Yet, ever since becoming a mom, I’ve felt almost distress at the thought of sending them off like that. But I also felt I didn’t have any other options and figured it was normal motherly jitters. It’s so much more than that and I’m so grateful that we’ve been introduced (in a crazy way, yes, but who cares) to homeschooling as a way of life for us! It’s PERFECT for us and we thrive on it very much. I used to think people who were home educated were so odd (socially an in other ways as well), but it’s not like that anymore! More and more are turning to this way of life and thriving in it. We love our homeschool group and all of the families in our group are amazing and we love, love, love our friendships with one another. We love learning, love the flexibility, love the FUN of it. We love it. Love it, love it, love it.

Summary: Thought we’d have 4; are quite happy with our beautiful and fun 2. Thought homeschoolers were odd, didn’t ever think we’d homeschool, absolutely LOVE that we homeschool.

Where to live – We’ve always been on the hunt for that perfect place, always open to figure out where a good place is to settle down (yet traveling to visit foreign lands). There’s no question we could totally live in Portugal—we even toy with the idea now and then. But we’re so happy with where we live. We’ve always tried to choose places in our education and training and moving around that have seemed like good fits for us and through this we’ve found places that don’t work even though we thought they would (Arizona with its gorgeous weather—not having 4 seasons took a toll on us that we hadn’t expected and hardly noticed until we moved away and hey, big cities are NOT for us) and places that so do work (like where we are). We love where we live. We love the location. We love the landscape. We love the people. Sure, other places intrigue us—various places overseas, Virginia, the Carolinas, New England, etc., etc., etc., but we’re happy where we are. Good thing since we own our own business here! I think we’re fairly committed.

Summary: Not sure it’s what we would’ve guessed, but we’ve always been open to follow our heart as we’ve moved around—this place has won us over in every way (well, it could be a bit closer to the beach, I suppose).

Careers – We’re definitely doing something different than we would’ve guessed, oh, 5 years ago, but we’re thrilled with being able to do our own thing in careers that can be so imprisoning. Makes all the years of med school and residency worth it. We’re so happy with how we’re making what we’ve studied work for us in a collaborative, creative, and serving way. We often remark that “we’re living our dream!” We love what we do, how we do it, and where we do it. We love having a home business and love, love, love the flexibility, creativity, community involvement, and progress it affords us. We’re thrilled and feel very blessed. We’ve certainly been guided to be able to do this—going through debilitating depression, going on FMLA leave, reading certain books, and countless hours of discussion and wondering how in the world to make it all work (and be able to pay off our debts!) have lead us to what we’re doing and we couldn’t be happier. We love everything about it. And we have a great time. And shouldn’t everyone enjoy the work they do? We’ve learned that we’re activists and philosophers and (on a very small scale) philanthropists with social, environmental, and political consciousness. And it’s exciting to be able to involve these aspects of ourselves in what we do as part of a family business as we help people in our community.

Summary: Different than we would’ve expected 5, 10, 15 years ago, but such an evolution of our passions and commitments and openness to the universe, the law of attraction, God, one another, and ourselves. We’re thrilled with what we do and seeing how it’s all coming together is a beautiful testament to our journey in getting here and moving forward.

Politically, religiously, socially, environmentally – I’m more open and liberal on these positions than I was 15 years ago, but I’m glad for that. I’m finding that the combination of marriage and family, my education, and experiencing horrid depression has had an interesting effect on me in many areas, including these. Again, it’s an evolution, a journey. I’m happy with it and always learning and growing.

We belong to a different political party than when we first married, we focus more on spirituality than religion, we are more socially and environmentally conscious because we’re nerdy and enjoy it, not because it’s the vogue thing for gen x-ers to do! It’s so exciting!

If I’m being honest, I’m glad I was a “little miss goody two shoes” growing up as it kept me out of trouble, but I also see that I didn’t do a whole lot of thinking for myself back then and it’s been a nice (if difficult) growth process to learn to think for myself by educating myself and talking a lot as a family and being open and much, much less judgmental and caught up in having a sheep-like mentality that didn’t much allow for personal thought. I’m quite happy to think for myself and it’s much more enjoyable and empowering.

Summary: Much different than what I would’ve expected years ago, but worlds more empowering and fulfilling and fun.

Travel – We’ve done some, but not a lot. We’re happy with what we’ve done, but we’re itching to do more. Time and money have been limiting factors for us, but as we get going on paying down debt, we’re excited to explore more of our world. I probably do wish that Mark and I had gone to Europe as newlyweds—that would’ve been amazing.

Summary: Fairly happy with this and excited to do more as we get older

Other goals (like writing) – I want to write books. So does Mark. We are both in the process of writing several of them. We’re grateful for our book club as it helps keep us well read, in the know, and discussing intellectual things. I’m grateful for the opportunity blogging gives me to practice and hone writing skills. They’re not novels (though it could be argued . . . ), but the best practice is to write, write, and write more. Someday, we’ll be published. We’re working on it.

Summary: Fairly happy with this and itching to do more, we’re not published yet!

Friendships – We’re grateful for our friends. We have some pretty remarkable friendships and we’re very much enjoying our relationships with those around us. It’s always interesting to see the evolution of friends and friendships. I believe strongly in the law of attraction and I really am quite happy with how that’s working in this area of our lives. We feel a lot of gratitude for friends from all circles and various areas of life.

Summary: Quite happy and grateful

You know, it’s all part of the journey, isn’t it? Our likes, our dislikes, our interests, our passions, our goals, what we’ve pictured, what is, what we do, what we go after, what we enjoy and love, who we are. I think I’m quite different than the kind of person I thought I’d be (the one I’d imagined when I was 19), but I’m happier with who I am than the idea I pictured for myself. Interestingly, I have friends who fit the mold of what I had pictured for myself and yet I don’t envy them one bit. It works for them and I’m thrilled for them, but it’s quite a contrast to what we’re doing and who we are. It’s very interesting for me to observe and I get quite introspective when I consider it. I recognize that rather than being overly committed to some goals/numbers/ideas, we really do strive to be open and progressing as we evolve, grow, love, learn, and BE. We’re learning to focus more on BEING than DOING. Mindfulness. Introspection. Dialogue. Philosophizing. Journaling. Studying. Meditation. All parts of the (not always easy) journey, but full of growth and enjoyment. I’m so grateful for our family—we’re a good team for all of this. And that makes it so fun and deep and enjoyable.

I don’t know why I’m so contemplative. I mean 34 isn’t some big milestone (other than how you hear for years that it’s risky to have kids after the age of 34 though I think that’s rapidly changing). Part of it may be how the past several months have been, how I feel myself almost yearning to feel cared for, looked out for emotionally, protected by our family and friends. I so appreciate how much our family and friends are looking out for me, how understanding most everyone is being of the emotional burden of my father’s death that I’m carrying as we do what we do. I can see that I haven’t been sensitive enough to people around me as they’ve gone through similar things—I didn’t know, I didn’t understand how deeply painful it must’ve been for them. I can see, from help we receive, from supportive words uttered, how family and friends who have learned from their experiences bless the lives of others through that. I don’t like going through this. I had a nightmare as a little girl—in it, my father died. I woke up crying. I hugged my Daddy in our hallway and wouldn’t let go of him. I feared his death from that point on.

I didn’t think my Dad would die so young and I didn’t think, even 6 months ago, that I’d be celebrating my next birthday without him here. I miss him terribly. Perhaps that has something to do with this post. I strongly feel that my Daddy is proud of his little girl. And I feel that many, if not all, of the things about which I’ve written in this post have contributed to how I’ve talked with him and cared for him as he died. I hope and pray I’ve been able to comfort him and help him with his transition. I miss him and it seems unfair that he’s not here. I think death is terribly unfair and I have difficult ever looking at it as a positive thing—it just sucks and I don’t like it. So, yes, I’m contemplative. And I think of all my Dad has accomplished and how much more he would’ve liked to do. And I feel that I don’t want to not act on ideas I have, feelings I have. I want to go after things, speak my mind, pursue dreams all the more. And he’s always helped me be able to do that by always providing for me, encouraging me, believing in me.

So, though I’m deeply saddened about enjoying my next birthday without hearing his sweet voice wishing me a sincere “Happy Birthday, Bibi,” I am strengthened by who he’s helped me to be as a person together with all the other things about which I’ve written and am encouraged to enjoy myself, go after things, and be the best me I can be. And I’m encouraged to keep enjoying the journey with openness and love and progression, recognizing how important it is to follow your heart and respond in kind by living with integrity to who we truly are.

Summary: Happy with the love and openness in progression and working through the sadness of not having my Daddy here. Not necessarily all I pictured for 33, but ranging from fairly happy to thrilled with most everything and so very grateful for all we are and have.