Okay, today, in my blog lurking, I've seen yet another blog (by someone I don't know personally) griping about comments people say to her when she's out in public with her kids. People say things like "Are they all yours?" and "You have your hands full!" And she was, like many posts I read on the same topic, quite offended and quite defensive about it. I'm trying to understand what is offensive about either of those comments (except for the obvious, which are, respectively, it's none of their business and maybe they should keep their mouths shut rather than say anything at all). But despite that, they're not blatantly offensive or mean-spirited comments. I'm not sure why people get so upset over those types of comments. Could someone please tell me what it is?Let me say that I have seen offensive comments about the same topic--blatantly rude and stupid things to say to someone. But these seem rather innocuous, no? It seems to me that people who make the comments are generally trying to make conversation or are curious or trying to be polite. And sometimes the people on the receiving end of the comments seem insecure and so they get offended over every little comment related to their situation (like maybe deep down they wonder themselves about their own situation). I mean otherwise, who cares what someone else thinks when you feel sure about what you're doing? So, are those types of comments offensive? Maybe I'm not seeing it? What is it?
7 comments:
i think maybe they are offensive. my mom used to get it every time we went shopping, and i don't know if it bothered her. but in my opinion, it's not innocuous. maybe people really are just curious, but when i've heard it (not me personally but people i'm with), it seems derogatory. like "what were you thinking having this many kids?" or maybe if they're acting up a bit and someone asks it may appear that the person thinks they can't handle that many kids. i don't know. maybe we're all a little too defensive.
Hmmm, so maybe it's a tone thing and that can be difficult to read on a blog. I agree that if the tone is condescending or snooty that it would be rude. How many kids in your family, Em?
I agree with Emily. It seems like most of the time when this is said it isn't said in an interested, let's have a conversation type of way but more of a "are you a crazy person" way. I have recently been getting this comment a lot as I roam through stores with my two boisterous boys and one more obviously on the way. There are times I don't mind it and others when it bothers me. I think it has to do with tone as well as expression. I can usually tell how it is meant at the time.
Unfortunately in our current society it is deemed appropriate to comment on others' mothering choices. Perhaps you have 8 boys and they are all close in age and all very wild and crazy. So be it. It is none of my business. I would prefer a person said to me, "Hey, could I help you reach that package of diapers? You seem to have your hands pretty full." That would be nice and helpful.
I have actually had people say to me when finding out we are having our third boy, "Oh, you poor thing." Why is that ok? I don't even know you! You have no idea how wonderful we think it is to be having our third amazing little boy.
But to be perfectly honest, I usually chalk it up to ignorance and just ignore most people who make rude comments. It isn't worth my time or effort to care about it.
Whew, that was a mouthful but you asked for it!
I think it is a tone thing. Those statements in and of themselves wouldn't be offensive to me, but a good measure of snootiness or disgust in the voice of the deliverer of said comments, and I might be a little put out.
There have been many times, though, when I've realized that the stuff that just came tumbling out of my mouth could have been taken in a way I hadn't intended. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt so that hopefully they'll do the same for me!
Ruth, yep, not worth the time or effort. You're right on. People go to therapy to learn that.
bythelbs, exactly! My mouth often gets ahead of my mind and I would hope that people wouldn't get all offended or hold grudges or think I'm going out of my way to hurt or upset them when I'm simply NOT that kind of a person! I generally give people the benefit of the doubt (now, if they're repeatedly stupid or offensive, I might say something or ask what's up, but generally I think most people mean well).
Sometimes these types of posts make me wonder if I've said stuff that people have taken as an offense. And it makes me think that if I were saying, "Wow, you have your hands full!", I wouldn't mean it in an offensive manner at all (and like Ruth's example, I think I *would* help them reach something or whatever). And this is what made me wonder if some people are simply prickly and sensitive or insecure about it? I mean, really, there are worse things to say . . . so yeah, tone has to play a part.
There are also, of course, those people just looking to be offended--no matter what you say, they'll find something wrong with it. To them I say, "Whatevs." Must be hard work being so miserable!
So true, bythelbs. I know some of those people. Not only do they tend to make everyone miserable around them, they tend to be miserable themselves!
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