What is a friend?

A common theme I see among my clients is that many of them are lonesome. They have friends they enjoy hanging out with, but don't always have friends with whom they feel they can talk about their innermost issues. And this goes for both men and women. I feel for them when they tell me this.

I know people or read stories or see stories about people who have such richness in their lives--so many extended family and friends who surround them with love and support. And then there are those who are lonely and who suffer.

Shortly after getting back from vacation, I found out that a former client of mine took her own life. It's the first time I've ever dealt with that and it wasn't easy at all. She was a lovely person. And very lonely. I wrote a post about it but didn't ever put it up, because I was worried about confidentiality--I didn't use names, but people can figure out timing and put 2 and 2 together. So, I've waited to say anything here. I've quietly been dealing with that on top of the other griefs I've shared. Grief is grueling.

Many people are lonesome. They wish for friendship, for companionship, and they're so lonely. My brain is desperately trying to come up with a creative solution. I often feel like I've got a spark of an idea, but it just hasn't fully developed. I ache for people who are hurting and who are lonely. The song "Eleanor Rigby" has always been a poignant one for me--the lyrics are compelling and the music is beautiful. "Ah, look at all the lonely people." The chorus, yes. But it's the verses that get to me.

And yet, I think there are many who can at times feel lonesome, even surrounded by those who love them. It's a quiet suffering maybe. Which brings me back to the how I started this post. I think many people have friends that are fun to hang out with, but how many have true friends with whom they can share their innermost hurts? When you consider your friends, how many of them can you really, truly share with--your heart, your soul, your fears, your dreams, your worries, your struggles? How many do you feel comfortable enough to call when you hurt and say, "I need a listening ear."

To me, this defines a true friend--they're the ones who are there for you when you're low and who hear you without judgment when you share. They accept you for who you are, don't try to make you into anyone else, and inspire you to be all you can be. Over the years, some friendships wax and wane. Some fade away. Some drop off altogether. And some always remain.

There are many television shows like Friends and Sex and the City and Scrubs where, whatever peripheral story lines there may be (coffee houses and jobs and sex and medicine and love), the main theme is that of true friendship. So is this stuff, these kinds of groups of close friends, just on TV? Do people really have those kinds of intimate friendships en masse?

I've often heard that what's healthy is to have 1 or 2 very close friends and several acquaintances. That people who have LOTS of friends . . . don't really. That you can't have that many truly close friendships.

And in today's day and age, we have "Facebook Friends" and the like. Some fit that "true friend" definition. And some do not. And there are some people who like to feel popular and have a great quantity of friends to show on their list. Is this friendship? What does friendship mean today?

And of course this begs the question, "Am I a true friend?" How do you maintain these kinds of solid, deep, true friendships among the busyness of life? How do you keep friendship strong? How do you be a friend? I think this means different things in different stages of life maybe.

I think there are different varieties of friends, too--the ones you call when you want to laugh, the ones you call when you could use a night out, the ones you call for advice, the ones you call to vent, the ones you call to grab a bite, the ones you call to play, you get the idea. And some overlap.

And some are the ones you can share your innermost thoughts and feelings with. I think that people who have friends like that are very lucky people. I wish everyone could have that.

So, what do you think? What makes someone a true friend?