Friday, January 9, 2009

I'm spent.

I do not have time to write this post but I'm not going to be able to function until I do. I need to get this out.

We just commemorated the 1st anniversary of my Dad's death. It was hard.

Two days later, my mother's best girl friend died unexpectedly. I cried for my mother and for her. My mom's friend was the sweetest lady. I talked with my Mom on the phone and we cried.

On Tuesday, we watched the season premiere of Scrubs. Did you see that one? The one where the 70-something year old guy dies? And he's scared? And so are those supporting him? They sit around and talk about it, about what it's like to die? And then they watch him and help him die? I sobbed for an hour after that, more than I did on the day we did the memorial service. I said, "This is supposed to get easier after the first year!" It surprised me. I didn't know I had that bubbling underneath. I spent the next day depleted.

My mother called today and she was sobbing hysterically. Mark answered and I could hear crying and I heard him say, "I can't understand you." Then his face dropped. He looked at me and said, "Baltasar died."

My dad's younger brother died today--he was having a routine procedure done and he had a heart attack on the table. THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!!!!!!!! I fell on the floor and cried so hard, I was shaking and weak all over and trying not to vomit.

My uncle is the closest link I've had to my Dad since he died. He looks like him, his mannerisms are like his, his skills and talents are like those of my Dad. He and his wife spent hours by my Dad's bedside as he died, night after night, they would arrive and they just sat there and watched him and sat with him. He's the one from the family who's been looking out for my mom. He's the one who's been giving us grapevine and garden tips. He's the one who's been giving us my Dad's old tools. He's the one who gave us the winter garlic we have planted in our garden outside. He, too, is a carpenter, a gardener, a fisherman. All those skills. All that cultural knowledge. Gone! This can't be! I'm just getting to an age to have a home and yard and garden and learn from them and incorporate those beautiful skills. I can't believe this. How can they be gone?

My side of the family is CLOSE, kind of like the mafia (except not horrible). My Dad's brother wasn't ill! He's younger than my Dad (who was already young if you ask me). THIS CAN NOT BE HAPPENING!! Death SUCKS. This SUCKS.

The only one left from my Dad's side of the family is his sister. And she's out of the country and doesn't even know yet.

As my Dad lay dying and unresponsive, I remember thinking (while watching my Uncle Baltasar play with his grandchildren--he's an awesome grandfather), "It's not fair that he gets to enjoy his grandchildren while my Dad lays dying." But this ISN'T what I meant!!!!!!!


I'm the youngest one in the family by far and everyone is so old! And it feels like they're all dying. And I'm feeling abandoned by them all even though I know that's not what they're really doing. One more and my Dad's side of the family is GONE. GONE! All the male figures from my side of the family growing up . . . one is left. An uncle. Both my grandfathers died, 2 of my uncles died (one I didn't even get to meet), my Dad. And now this. I'm SPENT.

I'm not feeling strong. I feel physically, emotionally, and spiritually weak. I HATE THIS. I HATE THIS. My faith has been so shaken by my Dad's death--things I haven't discussed on here. I'm an open person but even that's been too personal or I've not been prepared to share or not wanted to. I'm tired of platitudes. I'm tired of hearing they're in a better place. Really? How do we know that?! Please don't answer that--I can't take any preaching or judgment or lessons on faith today. I'm just venting. WHERE IS MY DAD?!?! What is he doing?? And why was he afraid to die?? Why? WHY!! HE was an amazingly KIND KIND KIND hearted man. He shouldn't have been afraid to die. I'm being PAINFULLY honest here. I. Am. Shaken. I am doubting. I am grieving. I am tired. I'm so tired. I've believed before. I used to teach people how to believe. I know that believing brings comfort. In some ways it would be easier to believe. But I'm just not feeling that strong. I just don't know any more. I can't believe I'm typing this for the world to see. I just am beyond caring who judges me at this point. If someone's first thought is to judge, then, well, that's just sad and I just don't care. Mourn with those who mourn, right? Well, I'm mourning. And I'm tired.

And our sweet son has waited for two years for a Star Wars birthday party. It was supposed to be tomorrow. But a snow storm is coming, so we moved it to today (which is already a feat in and of itself), excited to give him his long-awaited party (my Dad's wake was ON his birthday this past year). And then my Mom called and told us this and I'm feeling spent and all torn up. I'd normally sit and let this sink in. But I can't not have this party tonight. I can't. It's not fair to him. At one point while I cried this morning, the kids hugged me and our son brought me tissues and hugged me and asked, "Are you going to cry at my party tonight?" I smiled and told him, "Nope! We're going to have a GREAT party!" And I pushed back my tears and hugged him back, trying to pull it together for this, but feeling punched in the stomach and weak and shaky all over on the inside. I can't believe my uncle, my Dad's brother, is gone. I don't know if any of this makes sense. I've got to go.


bythelbs said...

All I can say is I'm sorry you're going through this and I'm thinking of you.

I hope your son has a great party.

Lindsay said...

I am sorry for your loss! I hope that you will find the peace that you need and deserve. Lots of Love, Scott and Lindsay (I am just throwing Scott's name in because I know that he will hope the same thing for you!)

Jill O said...

Wow, what a week you are having. I am so sorry for all your sadness. We love you guys. I hope things feel better soon.
(and happy birthday to my favorite fellow Capricorn!)

Mom said...

Unbelievable. I met Baltasar in Swansea. Remember that birthday/anniversary party? Nice guy. Such a loss for you. It stinks when life has more questions than answers. I am so sorry.

J Fo said...

All that I can say is that I wish that I could be there for you. I wish that I could give you a hug and cry with you. I'm crying now if that helps. This is just too much. I'm sorry.

kristenhcubed said...

Oh, Stacy. I'm so sorry for your grief and your loss. I've noticed that these things seem to come in waves. I hope this wave is past and that your heart will begin to heal. During trials of your faith just rely on the faith of others. You can have mine, if you need it. Love you, dear friend.

April (Thorup) Oaks said...

Stacy, I'm crying for you too. I am so so sorry.

Gary said...


My heart hurts for you. Yes for the passing of your uncle. You are right - death sucks! My heart hurts for you because of the trial of faith. I think I understand how you feel - I've had some trials of faith this year I never thought I would have. Of course I won't judge you - you feel what you feel. I'm so sorry for your loss. Hopefully you can have a little joy tonight as you celebrate that great son of yours birthday!

Chelle said...

I am so sorry Stacy. Your heart has had more than its fair share of pain. You may feel weak, which is totally okay and understandable, but I know you are strong.

It's amazing what we are capable of when love runs deep--give yourself some credit and a squeeze from me for giving your strength to a small boy and his birthday party. Maybe today you can give some of your strength to yourself.

Thinking of you. Love you.

Laura said...

I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this. Please let me know if there's anything I can do! I admire your courage so much to write about how you feel and your questions about faith. I am sending you and your family hugs, love and healing.

HappyWifeHappyLife said...

Sweet Stacy,
Let me first say I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this. I'm sure it must feel like your world is caving in around you and like God has forsaken you.

I wish I had some 'magic words' for you, but I don't. Death is hard, and grieving is hard. Jesus told us that 'in this world you will have trouble'... and right now, you have it "in spades" as they say.

I will be praying for you, my friend. Praying that God give you peace as you walk through this valley of grief, and praying that God fill your mind with memories of the loved ones you have lost.
Pour your heart out to the Father; ask him to meet you in your grief and hold your hand as you deal with this; he WILL NOT forsake you. This I can promise.

Two wonderful books, that I think may really help you (and that have really helped me) are:

1. "Second Guessing God: Hanging on When You Can't See His Plan" by Brian Jones

2. "Streams in the Desert" by E. B. Cowman.

Both are powerful, and speak to people who are dealing with dark difficult times.

debaser said...

Stacy, I am so sorry. You are an amazingly strong woman. My love goes to you and your family.

nicole said...

I'm so sorry I wish I'd known the other day.John told me today and so I came on here. But I must say you gave your son a beautiful party nonetheless. We're thinking of you.

emily said...

I'm so sorry.

jenny said...

OH dear, I'm so sorry. When it rains, it pours and when your in the middle of it it's so hard to keep a perspective. I'm really sorry. :(

Lola Goetz said...

I'm so sorry. You're in my thoughts.

kara said...

Weltschmerz, baby. Now with new meaning for my old friend. I love you.

Boquinha said...

Thanks, everyone. I've posted a post to say thanks to all of you.