Top 9 Perform (Again)

Elvis night on Idol. I spent the entire show wondering if Linda (who loves Elvis) was watching. Well, was she?

I wondered this partly because she really, really loves Elvis, and partly because I was bored to tears for most of the night.

Amazing Race has been AWESOME the past two weeks. Idol, on the other hand, is still a snooze fest.

I also noticed that almost all the contestants did that little pause-look at the band-raise hand slowly-and . . . wait for it-punch the air-thing to wrap up the song. I noticed that, too, because I was bored.

I'm fast forwarding results shows. I might start fast forwarding performance shows, too. Yawn.

Also, I have more to say about Ryan Seacrest tonight than I do about the performances. Why? Because I'm convinced he was totally drunk tonight.

So, before I get into specifics, here is a quick rundown of my favorite performances from best to worst:

Lee
Crystal
(mix up other 6 here in any order--doesn't really matter)
Andrew

Oh but wait! It does matter. Because two people are going home tomorrow night. Okay, fine.

Lee
Crystal
Big Mike
Casey
Tim
Siobhan
Katie
Aaron
Andrew

Bottom 3: Andrew, Siobhan, and one of the teens
Going home: Andrew and one of the teens

Adam Lambert as mentor. Kind of weird, but kind of good. He's spot on that they all need to wake up. Too bad none of them listened to him. (Seriously, did anyone listen?)

When they showed the contestants as the show opened, I guessed "rock" based on how they looked (and on who the mentor is). I was sort of right, I guess.

But even with Adam Lambert as guest mentor, amazingly, Ryan Seacrest is who captured my attention tonight. And not in a good way.

Has anyone else seen him in that mouthwash commercial? Dork, right? Yeah, tonight, he saw his dorkiness and raised it a pint of booze. Dude. Was. Wasted.

Ryan started the show by hitting people's hands in the audience and saying, "Wazzup? Wazzup? Wazzup?" Dork Alert.

Then, he walked through the audience and rubbed some random guy's hair with both hands, causing the guy to look like one of those troll pencil toppers from the 80s (those were cool).

And then, in his usual open-mouth-insert-foot manner, he told all of America that Adam's tongue is more talented than his own. That and Ellen's "horny" song comment made every teenage contestant's mother so happy, I'm sure.

Oh, so Crystal sang.

Crystal - "Saved"
It was great. She is seasoned. She played an electric guitar. And Randy started with, "So, yo!" which generally means it's dope.

And so Ryan, of course, caresses her and then her guitar. Have I mentioned that I think he's drunk?

Andrew - "Hound Dog"
I like Andrew. I've been a fan from the beginning. But "Hound Dog?" Seriously? It makes it very hard to root for him when he picks possibly the lamest Elvis song ever. No twist on that song (not even a crooner vibe) can make it any less palatable than it already is. And, unfortunately, Andrew proved that tonight. Ugh. I mean it was okay and it was different, but it wasn't good enough. And so he got reamed. Again. I couldn't help but think of what John said in an earlier comment about Andrew thriving with praise and direction but wilting under the barrage of criticism. SPOT ON. What a pity that instead of nurturing the kid, they made him the whipping boy for the general malcontent with this season.

Ryan, on the other hand, handles his malcontent by hitting the sauce. He called Andrew "bro," "baby," and "buddy" all within about one very awkward minute. It felt like Ryan was a volunteer for the Big Brother program and Andrew was his assigned "Little Brother." Only the volunteer big brother was plastered.

Tim -"I Can't Help Falling In Love With You"
Ryan took us to the commercial break by trying to give us a teaser with, "Find out what Tim's singing when we come back." Uh, Ryan? We already know. Adam already told us.

I'm telling you, he's drunk.

Ryan's mom Connie Seacrest was in the audience and he kept awkwardly pausing so she could play emcee. That, or he blacked out for a minute. Not sure which. I'm guessing the latter, because he then threw his arm to the side and loudly introduced "Turban." At first I thought he was just being clever, but now I think his speech was starting to slur.

Ryan danced in the audience with some guy during Tim's performance, too. Really professional, that.

Tim did a decent job. It's hard for me to take him seriously for some reason. Tim did not follow Lambert's advice, which was disappointing, because I would've liked to have heard Tim sing the last part in his falsetto. Dang.

Simon says Tim is listening to his advice. What advice? Simon likes self accolades.

Ryan used the word "suck" loudly and forcefully with an octogenarian. She thinks he's drunk, too.

See? I have much more to say about Ryan than the contestants (who are not drunk).

Lee - "A Little Less Conversation"
He doesn't know how great he is and I find it totally endearing. Lee is VERY quickly flying to the top of my list of favorites. I really, really like him. I LOVED it.

Aaron - "Blue Suede Shoes"
Okay, so earlier? When I said that "Hound Dog" was quite possibly the lamest Elvis song ever? It was only because I had forgotten about "Blue Suede Shoes." Even lamer. (If Linda is by any chance reading this, I want her to know that I'm dissing the songs, not Elvis himself). I am, however, dissing Ryan, who was drunk.

Aaron's performance was karaoke and uncomfortable and awkward. It was all very high school musical. The only thing "Aaron" about it was his trademark "Aaron stance" where he's strangely bow-legged and leaning back and pretends to have swagger. Yuck.

And another thing. Kara is on my nerves tonight big time. Her necktitude and arm movements and alternating shoulder rotations and bobble heading . . . all super annoying.

Siobhan - "Suspicious Minds"
UGH. A Siobhan interview. DULLSVILLE. Please don't interview her. It makes us sleepy.

That was WEIRD. She looked like she had just stepped off the set of a 1970's sitcom or a 1980's primetime soap (a la Knot's Landing) as a 40-year-old woman. What was that?? I didn't love the beginning, but it got better. Overall, though, it was just okay. My favorite part was when she responded to the judges. That was a great answer about labels and pigeon holing. And I believe that little speech saved her.

Big Mike - "In the Ghetto"
Ryan asked, "Whazzup with Big Mike?!" and then he stumbled and fell in a pile of vomit. Okay, that second part didn't really happen, but I half expected it. Big Mike does "slow and meaningful" well. It was good.

Ryan did a little chest bump/air bump near Big Mike. Ryan is intoxicated.

After the commercial, Ryan greets us from the audience, specifically a group of tweener girls, with yet another "Whassup!" So so drunk.

Katie - "Baby, What Do You Want Me To Do?"
I liked the back story on why she chose that song. She was sassy and okay. There were parts that were very Carrie Underwood about her stage presence and I was shocked that Simon didn't point that out. I think he was distracted by Ryan's drunkenness.

Casey - "Lawdy, Miss Clawdy"
Ryan ran around the audience pointing and giggling like a crazed leprechaun (or a drunk one), giddily pointing out Casey. He's so wasted. Casey's performance was good, not great.

Ryan slurred, "Hereare thenumbers veryimportant you need."

Ryan falling down the stairs or passing out would've been consistent with his erratic behavior all evening.

We join a hungover Ryan tomorrow for results. I predict sunglasses and several cups of coffee.