And the Idols Sing Blah, Blah, Blah

A giant Ryan head welcomes us to the show. And that was about the most exciting part. If this is where your DVR cut out, you didn't miss much (with the exception of Crystal).

And I would've had 2 more hours to do something else if I'd listened to what was good (Crystal) and nothing else. Ah, blessed hindsight.

BUT. I wouldn't be able to write this review if I hadn't sat through the whole stinking thing. So, here I am giving yet more time to this blah fest just for you. You can thank me with comments.

One would think that with "Billboard #1" as the theme, the contestants would choose some really great songs. One would be mistaken.

We fast forwarded all the grand entrances. How I love Tivo! We sat through stupid banter and watched 11 people saunter on and then off the stage (rather pointless really).

Miley Cyrus is the mentor, so her montage was really short. And I think Idol might be totally pandering to tweeners at this point.

Lee - "The Letter"
He's looking very Harry Connick, Jr. to me. A plus. I love the arrangement. I hoped he'd belt out some crazy note during that one repetitive section. He didn't, but I still think it was dope. Kara trying to channel Paula? Annoying. Simon going on about moments? Also annoying.

Paige - "Against All Odds"
Well, this week just got a whole lot less exciting. I hadn't even heard the other 9 contestants and I knew Paige would be gone this week. She's a nervous wreck and in over her head (for about the 7th week in a row). She was so, so bad. I mean, when the most positive thing the judges can come up with is, "You didn't fall down," that's pretty bad. She got some of the harshest (though well-deserved) criticism in the history of Idol. Honestly, please producers, have mercy on us all and just skip the whole "sing for your life" act tomorrow. It ain't happening.

Tim - "Crazy Little Thing Called Love"
I felt like I was at a beach party or watching a high school production of Grease, only the party was really lame and uncomfortable and the play stunk. He was better than previous weeks, but I'm bored with him. Having 4 judges is really brutal. A simple "you suck" becomes "You suck. You suck. You suck really bad. Oh, and by the way? You suck."

At this point in the show, I believe I said, "UGH. 8 more." I so wish we were watching Katelyn, Lily, and Alex right now.

Aaron - "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing"
Aaron has laryngitis, so since he has to spare his vocal chords, Ryan writes something on a clipboard that we can't read. Astounding, effective use of a minute of live television. I think it's funny that Aaron was all nervous around Miley. This song could be bad even without laryngitis, so I wasn't hopeful going into it. I figured, "Well, if he bombs, he can join Disney's cast with Miley." The spotlight, the blue lighting, the waving arms in the audience . . . it was all a bit Velveeta for me. Man, teenagers will jump up and down for anything. I think the kid could do country. And I've got to hand it to him that he has a nice voice. He did okay, but really this song should be banned from Idol now. Song List Person, retire it or you're fired.

It occurs to me that very little has compelled me to pick up the phone and vote since Elliott Yamin graced that stage. Ah, Elliott. My favorite Idol. I even hooked up a power dialer just for him. What has happened to this show?

Crystal - Me and Bobby McGee
Ah, the ONE redeeming performance of the evening, bar none. Crystal has a cool Natalie Merchant sound. No one can touch her. It's like 10 people are competing with each other while 1 star outshines them all. Crystal is head and shoulders above the rest BIG TIME. I'm totally with the guys on this (not "the guys" as Kara uses the term to refer to Randy and Ellen, but the true meaning of the phrase -- I'm with Randy and Simon) -- Crystal rocked the house. And on a homey carpet no less. I like this girl a lot.

Big Mike - When A Man Loves A Woman
He's better than I gave him credit for a few weeks ago. He has a great voice, a good false, but he needs to mix it up a little. This, with so many others, falls under the "blah" category tonight. In fact, other than Crystal and Lee, it was all a bit blah tonight.

Andrew Garcia - "Heard It Through the Grapevine"
I like him better with the guitar (Miley!). Dude, don't ever mime the lyrics. It's weird and cheesy. It was a little boring and it wasn't a great song choice and even Miley looks bored, but what's most old for me is seeing the judges ream him all the time. I'm just so tired of it. He deserves better than that. I think they're slowly destroying him instead of shaping him into something great. And I think he's capable of great.

Katie Stevens - Big Girls Don't Cry
A few facts about me and this song before I review Katie's performance:
1. Fergie looks like Kirstie Alley, so I always think of this song as a weight loss ballad for Jenny Craig.
2. I love singing along to this song on the radio.
3. This song bugs the HELL out of me grammatically. When I hear, "I'm going to miss you like a child misses their blanket," I just want to scream. It's HIS (or HER) blanket, not "their." Child is a singular antecedent and therefore requires a singular pronoun. "Their" is plural. ROAR, Fergie. Just ROAR!
Now that that's out of the way, let's talk Katie. She has a very good voice. It is pitchy at times, but she has, overall, a nice voice. Kara put her arms up at one point, but it only made me miss Paula more. Clearly, I have more to say about the grammar of the song than Katie's performance, so I'll add that Katie's getting better.

Casey James - Power of Love
Seriously? So, when he decided to use the stage more, he added walking to the mic, singing, and then stepping out from behind it for one, big guitar chord? Wow, clear the stage! He's going CRAZY! Casey has got to lose that nervous smile when he sings. It's weird. I most enjoyed seeing Rickey Minor rock the bass guitar. I think this was a kinda lame song choice. It's kind of lame as its own song, so covering it doesn't do much for it unless you do something with it, which Casey did not. He didn't make it current or his own. It was fine, but I'm not jumping out of my seat.

Didi Benami - You're No Good
Well, let's start with the positive. She didn't cry. Ryan started out this part of the show by taking Randy's seat (again) while Randy stands awkwardly next to him (again). And then, to add insult to injury, he drank out of his cup. Didi looked REALLY stiff in rehearsal. I enjoyed watching Rickey Minor again, this time he was rocking the bass. Didi was dull, but good. She made it current and I like her voice and, despite the judges' erroneous opinions, she is not that pitchy. But I do feel like yelling, "Why aren't they picking relevant and RECENT songs??"

Siobhan - Superstition
Why would anyone who didn't have to, sing a Stevie Wonder song?? I still don't see what all the hoopla is over Stevie. I just don't get it. I love that Siobhan used the phrase "wicked cool." That's my fellow MA girl! Except that she's SO DULL!! In that way, she does not fit the MA mold. People are outgoing, loud, funny, obnoxious, friendly, and interesting there. When she interviews, Siobhan reeks of a shy, geeky kid who'd get picked on, but then she steps on stage and OWNS it. It's SO WEIRD!! And the band was all over the stage tonight -- left, right, up high, behind, in front, to the side, on the steps, in the audience. I guess they had to do something with this utter BLAH fest tonight. Ellen's Dickens' reference was lost on all the Hannah Montana kiddies watching tonight. I believe I heard a collective "Huh?" Siobhan's "awesome notes" are a bit screechy for me. And then Ryan talks to her and she goes back to monotone and dull and it is SO SO WEIRD. Is she possessed as a singer? I don't get it. Very strange.

Best tonight: Crystal
Best one after Crystal for me: Lee
Ugh tonight: Everyone else
Worst, by a mile: Paige
Joining Lacy NOT on the tour: I would think Paige, but given the voting history this year, could be anyone.

Blah.