Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Lest it seems all days run smoothly . . .

I think most of the time they do.

But sometimes, you feel stretched thin. Worn out. Like you go, go, go, and forget to get some down time, some "me" time (especially a challenge when you homeschool).

Sometimes you feel consumed with worry and stress about your own little corner of the world. And you realize you shouldn't even be reading the news -- not the financial news, not the world news, not even the entertainment news.

And sometimes, despite the fact that you're not a jealous person, you feel envious. Of little things. Of big things. Of other people's moms and dads and grandparents being around for them for general, hands-on help (seriously, Mom, if you were here, you'd so be getting the kids for the day -- they're fantastic and sweet as all get out. They aren't the issue. I just think they could use some Vavó time while I clean the overflowing mess--but I'm getting ahead of myself). Of expressions of gratitude. Of special, "just because" thoughtfulness.

And sometimes, in a room full of people you like, you can feel lonely and wrapped up in your own thoughts.

And all the while, you know your life is really, truly, freaking AWESOME. And you feel that way 99% of the time. But everyone has that 1%, I guess. And this week has started out as "one of those weeks." And it's nothing major. And I'm so so grateful for that. I'm just a little spent.

I had a great weekend. And then yesterday morning, I felt worn out. Like I should slow down and take a break. But I did stuff I didn't feel like doing anyway, for others, for my kids. I broke one of the principles by which I try to live and which I teach my clients -- "What's best for me is generally what's best for those around me." So, I ignored my own feelings and pressed forward. And felt my day spiraling. Nothing major. Just a feeling of being a little emotionally spent. (This may have something to do with this time of year always being hard for me, I don't know).

The blustery, cold weather doesn't help. Getting a text from someone that makes you roll your eyes but you have to keep it to yourself because you've vowed not to get in the middle of things doesn't help. Not finding a parking place doesn't help (actually, that kind of did, because I got to drive around a bit, quietly with my thoughts). Feeling aimless for 2 hours because I forgot my book (argh!) doesn't help. Feeling like you're not needed/appreciated doesn't help (I'm full on wallowing now). Returning a few things late to the library doesn't help. Feeling frozen in the middle of several things to do doesn't help. Trying to get things done and being constantly interrupted by a very active puppy getting into everything doesn't help (except that it is kind of funny).

So, yesterday felt very "bleh" for me. It was one of those days where, despite the fact that you seem to have free time, somehow you are not nearly as productive as you would think you'd be. Why does that happen? Why are we more productive when we're busy? Why do we think, "Ooooh, I could get so much done with one free day" and then when we get that day, we seem to squander it without even trying?

So, I went to bed and vowed to have a different day today. And it started off on the wrong foot. Weird sleep (and I am SUPER sensitive to this: good sleep=happy Stacy), slow morning, some crazy messes (I'll spare you the details), and the icing on the cake -- an overflowing toilet that completely drenched the floor and the floor of the adjoining room before I knew that it was overflowing. That's what sent me over the proverbial edge. And now we have to rip up the flooring, dry and clean it all, and reinstall the floor. (See, these things don't happen on those aforementioned free days, so this will be squeezed in between working and other necessaries).

I think there was a little crying this morning. A little cussing. A bit of melting down. It all just came bubbling out. And by a little, I mean a lot. Except the cussing. That was a little. But it was there nonetheless. I read a study that says that cussing relieves stress, so I was doing it for my emotional health. It's all good.

So, I guess this is the ying to my yang. I usually have REALLY good days, thankfully (yang). I choose to take comfort that there is balance in all things. I'm just dealing with a little ying. My life is good. Really good. I have no room to complain at all. Nor am I complaining. I'm just . . . a little down, I guess. A little spent.

Or maybe I'm trying to make others feel better about their days. Or perhaps I'm making sure I don't have one of "those" blogs where everything seems oh-so-perfect. Or maybe I've been subconsciously affected by Holden Caulfield, because I just read Catcher in the Rye (which I actually liked, but am concerned if it's true that all adolescent boys feel that way).


It's 10am and I'm wondering why I got out of bed. I'm usually up and showered and ready by 8ish. Today? I think I'll post this (writing always helps) and then attempt a shower. Ugh.


Robynne said...

Sorry it's a sucky day Stacy! You are right though, sometimes it seems like you're the only one who has them, so the fact that you posted about it reminds us that we *all* have them from time to time...I hope it gets better soon (or that you get to bed early so you can start over tomorrow! :p )

bythelbs said...

I know exactly what you mean. All of it.

This is one of those times when I wished I lived closer to my bloggy friends so I could be more...helpful.

Here's hoping for a little less bleh tomorrow!

Jillo said...

Rotten days are the worst. I think the thing that helps me the most is allowing myself an allotted amount of time to do nothing but wallow in self pity. I think you gotta let yourself have the bad days or you won't appreciate the good.
The bathroom floor is no good. I am sorry about that. Our old house flooded every 5 minutes and I hated it. Do you get a new, improved floor out of the deal?
Hang in there and know you are loved.

April (Thorup) Oaks said...

I hope writing this made you feel better. I wish I were closer and could take your kids for you. I hope tomorrow is better.

Lindsay said...

I think I am having those feelings a little too and tried to slow down a bit. I have been feeling those lonely feelings a little too.
I hope it wasn't a text from me that made you cringe :).
I totally forgot to brush my teeth today!! That shows you how off my day has been. Ha.

Lena said...

Boo for bad days. Okay- we may be living slightly parallel lives at the moment. My 3 year old stopped up the sink in the bathroom and left the water running for I don't know how long but long enough to flood the hallway (new carpet!)and go around the corner and flood Grandma's bathroom. Nice. Thankfully we had a friend with 2 of those big floor fans that helped dry everything out. Seriously, we could have probably laughed and cried with each other!

kristenhcubed said...

You are in good company here. I'm just going to say ditto and send a hug your way. Hang in there. As it says in the scriptures...

"And it came to pass"

It will.

J Fo said...

Dude. That sucks. Sorry for that crummy day! I hope things are feeling better now and that ying has faded back down a bit!

Love ya!

Boquinha said...

Thanks, everyone. You're all such nice friends. And I do wish you all lived closer. How sweet would that be?!

the emily said...

ugh indeed.

the Lady said...

Loved the pic!
Thank goodness that days like pass right on by. Been there, too. So happy you survived!