In Which Ryan is a Dweeb

Wow, they're really mixing it up this week by opening the show with a little backstage peek. Oh, look at that. And the judges are fake kissing. This show is so mature.

I feel grumpy at the onset and it steadily grows throughout the nonsense of the night. OMG! We still have a 2-hour show and 2 less contestants, so that means MORE FILLER. I'm in a mood tonight, so, that's right, producer who didn't shorten the show yet? You're fired.

Cue the music. The 10 contestants walk out on stage! Ooooh, so let me get this straight. First they're behind the big doors. Then, they're in front. Wow. This show really challenges the limits of my intellectual capacities. Seriously, I might actually hear myself getting stupider as I sit and watch this rubbish.

Usher? Cool. Ryan? He has never looked whiter than he did when he hugged Usher. He is SUCH A DWEEB. Oh, but look! Now he's wearing sunglasses like Usher! And now he's a dweeb in shades. Idol is getting more Disney-meets-Nick Jr. every freaking episode. I won't be one bit surprised when they replace the video montage with green slime. That's right. You heard it here first.

Siobhan Magnus - "Through the Fire"
I love that she told Usher she was "wicked nervous." And other than the fact that I'm glad her Sio-zombie friends didn't show up tonight, that is the extent of my love for Siobhan tonight. What the hell was she wearing? She had Princess Leia hair and Stormtrooper boots with shin guards. And a dress. I didn't get it. She was pitchy with a CAPITAL "P." It was awful. Bananas, pens, hiking trails, whatever it was, it stunk. And I'm with Simon -- I'm a bit bored by the screaming at the end. I could've smacked Kara (Shut up. I'm in a grumpy mood, remember??) for her "Every performer has an off night; you're entitled to one" remark. That's when I hit pause (That's right. I hit pause.) and said, "I'm sorry. What happened to 'You've got to bring it EVERY night?'" The audience is also growing stupider. It was so obvious tonight that they clapped when some schmo held up an "applause" sign. Or maybe the delay in response was his fault. "Applause" sign guy? Fired. And she was wearing a bumpit.I have no comment on that other than to point it out. Princess Leia with a bumpit. And Stormtrooper boots. With shin guards.

And was it me or did the judges go on and on and on? SHUT UP.

The backstage shot of sad Siobhan? So so wrong. Holy fire whoever had that idea. Backstage should be their haven. That was totally violated tonight and it felt so very wrong for us to be an invited part of that. So so wrong. Hey, I have an idea. Shorten the show to an hour and a half, because this sucks.

Casey - "Hold On, I'm Comin'"
His Zach Braff smile distracts me, but even so, I LOVED IT! Ryan is such a dweeb, but I am loving Casey. Zach Braff. I'm telling you. Producers? Wanna liven things up? Ditch the stupid Ryan interviews and give him a J.D. daydream sequence. Also, I love that Casey unapologetically will always use the guitar. Crystal should take note.

Michael Lynche - "Ready for Love"
That was an odd stage placement, but a really great performance. I am liking him more and more each week.

Ryan cuts to commercial with "Things get emotional when Didi met Usher." Hmmmm, somebody cried and I bet it's not Usher.

Didi Benami - "What Becomes of the Broken-Hearted?"
Weird song choice. For me, this is the kind of old R&B song that comes on the radio and I change the station. Just not one of my favorites. It's a little soft rock in an elevator for me. She did a good job with it, but just . . . bleh. Ryan turned all Maury Povich on her and that was incredibly uncomfortable. She tried at least 2 different ways to deflect that question and he just didn't back off at all. Beyond awkward. And I started to hate Ryan a little bit for that. Hated him a little more for going ahead and answering his own question by telling millions of people Didis' personal stuff. Um, hello? Idiot. Didn't I fire him?

The backstage shots with Ryan's voice narrating every move is slightly reminiscent of the Olympics but in a very bizarre and uncomfortable way.

Tim "Teflon" Urban - "Sweet Love"
They can choose from hundreds of R&B songs and they choose this?? I hate these songs! Where is Bobby Brown?? You, readers. You. Reading this? Feel loved. Feel very, very loved. This blog post is the only thing stopping me from fast forwarding the monstrosity that was this performance. And when you tell me in the comments that you just fast forward it? It fills me with envy and maybe even a little bit of rage. And resentment. See how this family show brings out the best in us? The only reason that they didn't tell Didi to pack her bags was because Tim hadn't sung yet. It was so awful, so Broadway (and not in a good way), so dull, so flat, so . . . I hate you all for fast forwarding it while I sat through it so I could write funny things for you. A pox on every one of you who skipped this crap. Simon's criticism was my favorite moment of the night. Simon should be proud. I think he had a "moh-ment" tonight. Thank you. Clearly Tim doesn't care. And that stupid backstage Idol's-thoughts-directly-after-the-performance clip only confirms that. I'm a little sick of Tim's mug. Teflon or not.

Andrew Garcia - "Forever"
Go back. Right now. Go back and read my past reviews if you're a doubter when I say that I have always loved this guy. I never gave up on him. I never hated on him. I never got so hung up on that awesome "Straight Up" performance (that, quite frankly, I'm so sick of hearing the judges mention) that I couldn't see his relevance and talent. I love Andrew. This performance was so current, so hot, so spot on. I LOVE IT. The guitar, the strings, the drum box. Loved it! My favorite performance of the night. He almost made me forget that wedding party dancing down the aisle. He deserves mad praise for what he did tonight. I love him. And I love his mom. Mama Garcia? Me gusta tambien.

Katie Stevens - "Chain of Fools"
Not a flattering outfit. I was a little bored. That's all I've got.

Lee DeWyze - "Treat Her Like a Lady"
Loved, loved, loved it! Simon's line about changing his life forever? Very cool. Dude, LOVED it. I like Lee, love his voice, loved this performance. Not much more to add. I'd buy his album. I'd watch him live. He is awesome.

Where's Waldo? Ryan's in the mosh pit. Stage director? Fired.

Crystal Bowersox - "Midnight Train to Georgia"
Crystal on piano. It was great, but not her best. Go back to the guitar, Crystal. I don't believe that she was totally comfortable doing what she did tonight. You could tell by her nervous tapping on the piano, though maybe she was just nervous she'd fall in those heels. Go back to barefoot on the carpet, Crystal. She is so good and authentic as she is, there's no need to do this sort of thing. And I didn't love the arrangement. It left me hanging. She stopped right when the backup singers would normally sing, "His world . . . " which is one of my favorite parts. She fell a few notches for me based on this performance, but I still think she's AMAZING. Ryan, though? Asking Crystal if she'd wear a dress like Kara's? Somebody fire him.

We keep seeing what's going on backstage as the Idols walk off. However will they fill the time tomorrow?

Aaron Kelly - "Ain't No Sunshine"
He closed the show? Why? Lee or Andrew should have had that honor. First of all, his hair looks like the top of a dessert. He had a shaky start. And when he got to the "I know, I know, I know" part, he did exactly what Usher said not to do. And it bombed. I love this song, but I didn't not like his performance of it. It was so flat. Simon calls him a cupcake, so Ryan whispers to him about desserts. Ugh.

My order of favorites tonight from top to bottom surprises even me, but there it is:

Andrew
Lee
Casey
Mike
Crystal
Aaron
Katie
Didi
Siobhan
Tim

Yep. And if there's any justice in this world, Tim will be putting his Teflon self on a midnight train to anywhere else but here. Because it is all so so wrong.