Girls. No, Boys. No, Girls. Boys?

We start tonight with the old switcheroo. Crystal Bowersox is in the hospital, so the guys get bumped up a night. And apparently, they also get pedicures. Who knew.

But as the boys run down the stairs and share their gangsta signs with the television audience, Ryan does the awkward-dude-trying-to-be-cool move of slapping them on the back like he's in a locker room, except he really shouldn't be in the locker room. Very uncomfortable.

My favorite performances are marked with asterisks (there are 4):

*Big Mike - "Mans' World"*
So Mike does theater and football. Very cool. Not everyone can say that. I'm impressed. And he sang the whatever out of that song. He had a little James Brown vibe going on. I didn't even know he had that in him. He chose the right song. And bonus. He sang it well.

John Park - "Gravity"
I love John Mayer's music (I think, after reading his recent interviews, that Mayer is some kind of music genius who's too smart for his own shell, so he's kind of bizarre), but John Park is lulling me to dreamland with his boring, sleepy performances. Another slow song? Yawn. On a positive note, he did sing in key, which is more than we can say for many of the other boys, but man was it dull. So dull. Almost makes you want to shake him and yell, "WAKE UP, John! You're on live TV!" Zzzzzzzzzzzzz.

And, note to Ryan, really? Please stop asking the FOUR judges to clarify their FOUR comments when they rip into contestants. It's just really uncomfortable to watch them do it again. FOUR times. Just stop.

Casey James - "I Don't Wanna Be"
It, of course, can't ever be as good as Elliott's, but I'm willing to watch with an open mind. I'll give Casey this--he pulled off a brilliant strategy by hiding something secret in a box and telling us he'll share with the world if he makes the Top 10. Way to make sure you're on the tour, man. Casey is AWESOME on guitar. He was a little off in parts when singing, but dude can strum. He needs more passion and less goofy smiling (which would honestly help the more passion thing). Stop thinking about Kara and consider the rest of us 30 million viewers, 'k Casey?

*Alex Lambert - "Everybody Knows"*
WOW! I like this kid's voice SO MUCH. I love the tone of his voice. And his whole unripeness? It's endearing. We do want to root for him. Because this is the kind of person you like to see succeed on Idol--someone who's great and doesn't know it yet. He gained so much confidence and stage presence in a week. That is nothing short of amazing. I like this kid a lot.

Todrick Hall - "What's Love Got To Do With It?"
That's a shiny jacket. Tina Turner? I like it when girls sing guy songs and guys sing girl songs. This was just "a-ight" for me. I want to like Todrick and see him do well, but the poor kid is trying so hard to be what the judges want him to be and that's difficult to do when the judges aren't sure themselves -- I'm talking to you four behind the panel. What the ?? As my NINE YEAR OLD said tonight, "I don't get the judges. They say, 'Be Original!' Then they say, 'Don't be original!'" She's NINE. Todrick is a great performer. I hate to see him reign it in like this. I actually preferred last week's performance to tonight's. But either way the judges weren't satisfied. Last week they wanted him to sound more like this week. And this week they wanted him to sound more like last week. So so frustrating.

Jermaine Sellers - "What's Goin' On?"
Indeed. Remember this guy?

He wore a onesie, too. Dyno-mite! Loved the intro clip. And I love his voice, but ugh. Randy said, "Dude, man, you were so close but so far, you know what I mean?" To Randy I ask, "Do you?" Poor Jermaine. He doesn't live interview well. And did he just say, "Jesus is my homeboy" while doing a little ho-down on stage? Did he?? He says God will keep him there. I guess we don't need to vote.

*Andrew Garcia - "You Give Me Something"*
He breakdances and Big Mike does musical theater and gets pedicures. Tonight is just a Pandora's box of surprises! I heart his voice. Even his over-pronounced Rs (which is saying something as that usually bugs me). He was a little off. But the biggest issue is that the judges suffer from some kind of amnesia. It's so frusTRAting, as Simon says. Last week they told him not to mix it up so much. This week they told him to mix it up more. Again I say argh.

Aaron Kelly - "My Girl"
This they like?? What are they smoking?? The judges like the lame-os. I thought they wanted unique? Well, I want unique. If I wanted more of this kind of performance, I'd watch Star Search. I struggle with these teeny-bopper kids. It's all very pageant-y for me. Maybe Kevin Covais ruined it for me (sometimes that's all I see in my mind when these kids get on stage). And I find myself thinking that Idol try-outs should begin at age 18, when they're old enough to vote. I'm bored by him.

Tim Urban - "Come On, Get Higher"
Oh, so so uncomfortable. I love this song, but ugh. I'm always nervous watching him and that is not something you want your audience to feel. He wore a salmon shirt a la Ross. I thought he looked and sounded terrible, so of course Simon loved it. I think Simon is tone deaf. It's so frustRATing.

*Lee Dewyze - "Lips of an Angel"*
I like him. But now I must know. What did he do in high school?!?! And how cool would it be to attend a performing arts high school? And as punishment no less! We have this song on Rock Band and I hate the lyrics. The guy singing the song? Total jerk. And a cheater. But that's beside the point. Lee's voice? I love it. And he has Harry Connick eyes and was sporting the Daughtry chain on his jeans. He was nervous as all get out (bring back the guitar!), but I like him.

Going home: If there is a God, it will be Tim Urban and John Park. Because, you know, God's busy keeping Jermaine on the show.